EDMONTON, Alberta – Monday morning did not start as Alison Redford would have liked. Instead of working on her new 100% royalty regime, she was caught at the morning coffee break from meetings with her purse and pockets full of cookies from the snack table. Redford was apparently unable to speak without crumbs falling from her cookie hole, but was thought to have mumbled something about stress and Lukaszuk eating her dietetic lunch.
Opposition leader Danielle Smith was sad to see Redford in such a state, but adds that the benefit of the failed procedure might keep Redford occupied and keep her from derailing the province too badly before Mrs. Smith gets into office.
If Alison gets distracted enough it might delay the inevitable destruction of our province and hopefully leave us something to work with when we get into the drivers seat, as opposed to leaving us with a roll of paper towels and a case of Mr. Lukaszuk’s adult diapers!
But that’s okay, because I’m looking very hot, and she’s not.
Since her controversial ‘smile installation’ procedure was botched in Austria (while she was there promoting the Alberta Oil Sands), Redford has been seen scowling more than usual at just about everyone, as well as eating copious amounts of fast food. A local McDonald’s in her neighborhood has built a special drive through window to accommodate her oversized daily driver.
Members of the conservative party, who wish to remain nameless, claim the louder than normal screaming and yelling as of late has had drastic consequences within the party. An investigation has been launched into abusive and just plain mean behavior.
The pressure of not being able to finally smile has greatly affected her demeanor. The doctors here can’t figure out how the Austrians got all those muscles reversed, and it sounds like she’ll just scowl forever. – Female, won’t release her name.
Dr. Taliomorganadelade, of Austrian Medical Council of Skin Fixers, was quoted as saying,
I remember her case, she had some very negative musculature in her face that we tried to rework but I have to tell you, she’s a very angry and bitter lady. Nothing we can do, it’s genetic.
Once the muscles started to fight the knife we knew we were in trouble. She’s going to have to live with being angry forever.
We at Proved Plus Probable sincerely hope Redford can come to terms with looking permanently pissed off, and wish her the best if she attempts the ‘stick-up-her-ass-ectomy, as recommended by the vast majority of Albertans.