North Korea announces plans to purchase Finite Resources

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PYONGYANG, North Korea – North Korea’s state owned oil and gas producer, North Korea Oil Exploration (NKOE), announced this morning that it has reached an agreement to acquire Calgary-based Finite Resources for $2.7B.

But industry experts are concerned that the deal will face considerable scrutiny from the Canadian Federal Government in light of the woes experienced by CNOOC when it applied to purchase Nexen in Q4 2012. Share prices for Finite Resources (TSX: FNR) surged by 42% shortly after news of this all-cash deal broke this morning.

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Stephen Smith, Energy Analyst

This deal is far from over, people. We only have to look back 9 or 10 months to see what CNOOC went through to pickup Nexen last year. There were times when the industry believed the deal would fall through thanks to a Federal Government that is not interested in showing the world that Canada is a great place to invest. Sometimes the Harper regime just doesn’t understand the fact that we need this type of investment to carry on the businesses.  Our kids don’t care.  They simply don’t care.  Sheesh.

 

They went on the record to say that CNOOC was the last of these types of deal, so don’t hold your breath on this one. – Stephen Smith, Energy Analyst with Energy Analyzers.

In an effort to appease the Federal Canadian regulators, NKOE has agreed to offer a number of upside incentives to increase the chances that the deal be approved. Kim Jong-un, the President and CEO for the state owned oil company, that is run much like a dictatorship (because it is), held a press conference in his country’s capital city directed to Prime Minister Harper:

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Kim Jong-un, North Korea’s President, CEO, Emperor, and Master of all things

THIS DEAL MUST BE APPROVED! We have the resources and weapons of mass destru… oh, pardon me, did I say that out loud? North Korea needs a presence in North America, we are both North after all, and this deal will make this happen.  It will happen or else!

 

We will not employ  all of the geologists in your country. We will hardly employ any of them in fact.  We will respect the trees, grass, cows, pigs, dogs, cats, and other farm animals and plants that you have in Canada. I promise to hire 2 Canadians for every North Korean that I hire.

 

And what about the children? We will take care of them, too. I will personal oversee the construction of a 2-story daycare in the parking garage for the children of the employees. This child prison… oh, pardon me, daycare will cost employees nothing and the little ones will be in good care – they will be told to be happy and have fun. Mr. Harper, I will not accept no.

Kim Jong-un also stated that he would ensure that Gagnam Style would never be played anywhere again. Ever. Why? According to the dictator, “because of singer’s mysterious disappearance.

An energy industry espionage specialist (scout) who has been following NKOE for the past 3 months as this deal was being worked up has released a summary to the media.  Dennis Rodman, who was under cover gleaning what knowledge he could remember, reported to 2P News the inside scoop on NKOE’s master plan.

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Kim Jong-un (L), revealing his secret plans behind the NKOE takeover to energy industry spy Dennis Rodman, at an undated Laker’s game in LA. The guy in the background wearing the red hat reported hearing Mr. Rodman saying, “So let me get this right? You are going to get kids to colour maps? That’s not against the law. Kids love to colour shit.

According to an interview between Dennis Rodman and 2P News reporter, Freemont Bender, Kim Jong-un’s daycare was in fact going to be a new Map Enhancement division of Finite Resources. While parents believed their children were playing and doing crafts, they would in fact be coloring geological maps according to a simple colour-to-isopach mapping table that even a preschooler could understand. The dictator was also planning to disguise North Koreans as Canadians, before smuggling them into Calgary to work for his new company – in order to keep his promise to hire 2 locals for every 1 North Korean.

In light of these new findings, Prime Minister Harper will continue to deliberate with his cabinet before deciding whether or not to approve the deal put forth by Kim Jong-un.

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