Alberta Health and Safety recognizes Engineeritis as an insurable affliction

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EDMONTON, Alberta – A recent decision by Alberta Health and Safety has deemed a growing affliction to be insurable under our current insurance standards and policies.  Engineeritis, otherwise known as Tawkshit Disease, has become rampant in Alberta over the last 36 months, and has grabbed the attention of the medical profession in our province.  As more and more diagnosed cases come to light, the disease appears to more widespread than originally thought.

Dr. Hagaland
Dr. Hagaland

The disease carries a heavy weight and it is a real problem for our population.  If it becomes airborne or waterborne, instead of simply brainborne as it is now, we could see an epidemic that could destroy our way of life in a matter of months. – Hoover Hagaland, head of the Alberta Center for Disease Research

Engineeritis was originally diagnosed as a mental problem that was treated by seeing a psychologist and talking it out.  Opinion quickly changed, as it was deemed a very serious neuro-chemical affliction, which may or may not be caused by a virus, and possibly contagious in areas of large urban populations.

Per capita, Alberta has one of the highest populations of engineers on the planet, so if the disease does spread as Dr. Hagaland has mused, it could be very dangerous.

Initial stages of the disease are much like an obsessive compulsive disorder.  There is a need to count and recount, calculate and recalculate, then  postulate why the count was off or why the formula was wrong.  The mid stage of the disease has the victim trying to prove they are right about everything.  They show little remorse for hurting others’ feelings and simply move unabashedly through decisions that may not make any sense to a rational, healthy person, who is of sound mind.

Lastly, things get much worse.  A fear develops of anyone with even a little technical knowledge, or a basic capacity for free thinking rears its head, often violently.  Patients are known to attack either verbally or physically and almost always mutter constantly about math or physics.  These outbursts are a way to prove their worth by any means necessary.

rederPD
Detective Kinghjork, upset with the outbreak

We responded to a call where a man suffering from Engineeritis actually tried to beat his results into another man, a cashier at a Red Deer area grocery market.  When the bill at Soobee’s was more than he expected, he took out a calculator, a dated Hewlitt Packard 28S to be exact, and hit the clerk in the head with it while yelling “Do you get it now!  Do you get it now!?”  Any treatment we can get these people will also save others. – Jeremy Kinghjork, Red Deer Police

hp
An HP 28S calculator, identical to the model used to assault the cashier

Treatment has been in the testing stages in other provinces, but here in Alberta is it widely untested and very expensive.  In injection form, it also needs to be administered 6 times a day by a registered nurse or doctor.  Finding both the money, and the staff will be a huge strain on the AHR.  As it currently stands, there will  also be a significant impact on the oil and gas industry’s bottom line when the cost of medical benefits skyrocket for everyone susceptible to the disease.

If the OH&S and WCB ignore the recommendation put forth by Alberta Health, and decides against helping these poor souls, a travesty of physics and calculus will overtake our province and it will crumble to the whim of dysfunctional calculating and absurd nonsensical decision making.  It needs to be stopped and it needs to be stopped now! – Dr. Hagaland, speaking from Alison Redford’s front lawn

 

3 COMMENTS

  1. You must be an engineer, Phil, in which case your comment is out of place. Why? Because you know what this article has reported is true.

    It’s okay. Denial is the first step to recovery. Admit to yourself that you have engineeritis, and prepare to move on.

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