Prime Minister Harper reveals proof that frac chemicals are non-toxic

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OTTAWA, Central Canada – Front and centre in oil and gas news today are the dangers of fracking and the toxicity of frac fluids. But exactly what do fracking fluids contain?  Why do we need them?  What harm can they do?  These are all valid questions, but most of the answers are closely guarded patent secrets worth millions of dollars.

In an effort to appease the masses, Canada’s Prime Minister, the Honourable Stephen Harper, has come forward to debunk the myths surrounding the dangers of these fluids, and to set the record straight about the safe use of said fluids.  According to his Chief of Staff, Mr. Harper has been using frac fluids in his hair for years with no ill effects.

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Prime Minister Harper

I have been ashamed of my hair management process for many years, but it was time for me to stand up and be proud of the cruel hand  that nature has dealt me.

I have naturally ridiculous hair, and I have been using frac fluid for 27 years now to maintain my stealthy, firm hair style, despite the unkept nature of my Man Mane.  I have not suffered for it either, I’ve never been in better health. – Harper to the cameras on Parliament Hill.

 

The rest of his speech went on to discuss the value of frac fluid in his every day life, as well as the story behind Stephen Harper using the product to begin with. As the legend goes, Mr. Harper was touring a drilling site in Alberta when he was soaked by frac fluid as a pipe union sheared, and his hair was instantly formed into the rigid power-do that it currently is, and he has rocked it every day since.

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Mr. Harper showing how his frac hair enables him to be popular with the ladies at after hours chamber meetings

When I saw it happen I couldn’t believe it.  He was normally a pretty shaggy, derelict looking man.  But when the fluid hit him, it smartened him right up.  Now look at him.  Leader of the 33rd most powerful nation on Earth.  If you measure power by the leaders hair style! – Joe Oliver, SeeBC senior parliament correspondent

Although no official tests have been conducted or initiated into the use of shampoo for fracture stimulation, 2P News believes that this is definitely the way to a cleaner, less oily, and dustless industry that we can all be proud of.

And rumour has it that Prime Minister Harper, in his retirement, plans to partner with Hollimorton to market a new luxury line of frac fluid-based shampoos and conditioners to the oil patch called Frac Coif. Rinse and repeat, people. Rinse and repeat.

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