My name is Douglas Froob. I have a serious and ongoing problem with my manager at the office. The guys is a complete goggle-banger. Talk to him for 5 minutes and anyone in their right mind is ready to push him down a flight of stairs. He’s loud, obnoxious, pompous, arrogant, bitter, and more than a little bit angry. I love my job but I absolutely despise working for this guy with his attitude. Please help me! Douglas Froob.
Dear Dougy: Okay, here’s the deal. What the hell is a “goggle-banger”!? When you say things like that it makes me think your IQ runs around 40 and you have a bachelors degree in Play-Dough. (Want a job?) Anyways, I digress. People like this respond very well to my specially designed workplace equalization tactics. I’ll give you five creative ways to deal with this ass-clown, but please send us a video for our archives. We like that kind of thing when we’re pounding pints at Craft.
1) The Whoopity Dupe: You need to come up with some sort of half decent ideas that will never work. Play on his arrogance and get him to believe you that they could really be great ideas for the company. Call a huge meeting with senior VPs, VPs of VPs, and the greeter, then bail. He’ll get jammed up presenting your paper mache pump jack plan to management while you cool your heels in a pub with me.
2) The Desker: Stay late one night working on whatever it is you do. After he leaves his office, get over there with a roll of duct tape, Vaseline, a door hinge, 3 tennis balls, and a wooden dowel. You figure it out.
3) The Traumatizer: Simple. Every time he asks you a question or talks to you, just dial the asshole in you to 11 and give it back to him. He asks where the TPS reports are, you ask him “Where the hell do you think they are?!” He tells you he isn’t sure about a plan you put together, you ask him “Exactly what is it you do here ANYWAY?!” After a few weeks he’ll back off. Pansies like him are not used to being confronted. He’s actually a very small person inside, that just acts big to compensate for his half-a-stage packer.
4) The Repeater: Repeat everything he says in a meeting under your breath but just loud enough for him to notice. You have to be quick though, don’t wait for him to finish each word. He gets to “econom…” and you start in. Remember how your siblings used to do this and you eventually went bat shit squirrel nuts? He’ll blow a carotid if you hammer him long enough. Other staff might wonder what’s wrong with you, but the odds are they’ll be too busy laughing to care.
5) The Hottie: Call a quick meeting with him in a board room. Head over to the Starbucks in TD Square and ask for Harley. She can hook you up with a triple hot Americano requiring a quadruple cup to carry out of there. Get back to the office just in time for the meeting and wait for him. Spill the coffee into his lap. Repeat day after day until he stops wanting anything to do with your clumsy ass and leaves you to your own devices. Scalded balls will change just about anyone’s tune.
So there you go, Dougy, all the best, and we hope you can sort out this middle manager donkey without too much trouble. We accept no responsibility or liability for any consequences of you actions. As usual, our readers might also have some ideas of their own that they may care to share below.
Andy Killinger, Staff Counselor
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