CALGARY, Alberta – Breaking news from Canada’s oil capital sees Bendovus Energy offer US$1.15B for Calgary-based junior oil and gas news publishing outfit 2pnews.com, also known as 2P News. Much to the surprise of industry analysts everywhere, the deal was rejected by the 2 co-founders of the popular web-based news agency. Darcy Flowman, one of the website’s 2 co-founders, describes his dismay at the offer to 2P News reporter Yu Mii:
What the f*#k, man?? Sell 2P News to Bendovus? Are you kidding me? It’s because of those guys that we have been so successful. No effing way, man. I told that jive-time turkey “Dogbin” to take a hike, because I would rather jump off the top of the Calgary Tower and land head-first on a thumbtack than join that pretentious, jackass outfit. Some days I just lay back and think of The Beau tipping over as all those engineers look out one side of the tower at a guy passing by with the latest HP calculator and I laugh my ass off. Sell out? Not now, not ever!
According to Bendovus Energy’s VP of Acquisition Press Releases, Miss Mindy Knobshuffle, terms of the offer included exclusive ownership and use of the domain name bendovus.com. Bendovus would also be interested in hiring co-founders Antoine McGuilicuddy and Darcy Flowman as co-VPs of Public Relations where they would be fully in charge of any and all of the company’s outbound PR communications including social media content.
It is really too bad that 2P News rejected our US$1.15B offer. Those 2 guys and their team of engineers, geologists, and other oil and gas professionals produce content that aligns perfectly with how we want to push the Bendovus brand, notwithstanding the fact that they make fun of us at every single opportunity that they had.
Furthermore, one of our employees, who used to work with Mr. Flowman, indicated to us that both he and Mr. McGuilicuddy where currently both living on the corner of Walk and Don’t Walk – yes, they are both homeless. So we figured a cool $1.1 billion to split 2 ways would have helped them out. But they must like us a whole lot less than we had originally thought.
While a generic overview using Google Analytics suggests the 2P News brand to be worth slightly less than the Bendovus offering, founders and editors of the popular satire site have no plans to give it up to “The Man.” Antoine McGuilicuddy was distracted through most of his interview, but was adamantly rejecting the concept of working for Bendovus, a company with which he worked in a previous life as a flunky for Enkarma.
I worked for those guys already, what a Cluster Fruck. Me me me, always stepping on people to get a head. No team effort at all. Here at 2P, I can’t do it without the other staff. We have 14 people here working their asses off for what? Not much. But if we sell out to Bend-Me-Over-Us, the fun will end and we can just sit in a box built by Ikea and fill out TPS reports for eternity. No thanks, go f*$k yourself.