Fracking responsible for increasing Chandler wobble: Study

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MOUNT GRAHAM INTERNATIONAL OBSERVATORY, Arizona – A study published this morning by the International Earth Rotation Service (IERS) further proves the detrimental impacts that hydraulic fracturing has on the planet earth – quite literally. The 420-page report reveals irrefutable science-based evidence that fracking is causing Chandler wobble to increase significantly, which the study’s lead author says in good time may have devastating impacts on the earth and its inhabitants.

Dr. Rod String
Mr. Rod String, IERS

For those of you who are unlearned in the science of theoretical gravitational astrophysics, the Chandler wobble is a slight deviation in the Earth’s axis of rotation relative to the solid earth; it was discovered by the astronomer Seth Chandler in 1891.

The variance in the point at which the axis intersects the Earth’s surface averages 9 meters and has a period of 433 days, and when you carry the 1, the results are staggering. – Mr. Rod String, fella who worked on the study

According to the study, the International Latitude Observatories performed measurement of the wobble for most of the 20th century. Now that this task is in the hands of the International Earth Rotation Service (IERS), measurements that are far more precise are now available. It is these more accurate measurements that have enabled the scientists to start panicking. This panic has lead to the IERS issuing a warning today that the Chandler wobble is dramatically increasing.

Dr. Gyro Q. Armature, IERS Chief Scientist, said that at the current rate of change the wobble will soon be severe enough to affect GPS readings. “Your GPS might tell you to turn left at the road intersection in 10 meters but instead you wind up in a haystack or canal. That could be embarrassing.” 

The Chandler Wobble illustrated schematically
The Chandler Wobble illustrated schematically

When asked what is causing the wobble increase, Dr. Armature elaborated,

It’s most likely a change in the distribution of mass on the surface of the planet in conjunction with the hydraulic fracturing, perhaps they are indeed related. On the fracking side, all of the G8 leaders, lead by President Barack Odrama, must put a moratorium on fracking. Period. Full stop.

From a mass distribution point of view, our computer models indicate that the problem is centered in Asia. The good news is that the model also predicts that the problem is correctible. What is necessary is that all 2.5 billion people in China and India move to Antarctica. This redistribution of mass will smooth out the wobble. On the fracking part 

It is expected that the governments of China and India will not be pleased with the proposed solution to the increasing Chandler wobble crisis.

<This article was submitted by our friend from SoCal. Thanks BP!>

2 COMMENTS

  1. Well, that accounts for the Chandler Wobble. What about the Joey Jitter, Rachel Rock, Phoebe Flail, Monica Motion, etc.?

    • You know, even though I have seen only 1 episode of Friends (that’s a true story, Kate), I think I understand your Friends reference. That just goes to show you that I am indeed one of the smartest cats on the WWW.

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