“Consume more petroleum-based products!” – head of oil producer consortium

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HOUSTON, Texas – In light of plummeting global oil prices, which many industry analysts believe is due in large part to reduced demand through Europe and some emerging economies, the president of the International Coallition for High Oil Prices today announced a plan to help bring back the demand. The Midland, Texas-based organization made a nationally televised press conference this morning.  An excerpt of which is transcribed below:

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Alan Büzcan, President

In order to bring back inflated oil prices we need to drive down the darn inventories and drive up demand. I have a doozy of a plan that will get’er done, and all at the same dang time.

OPEC says that they are willing to accept $80 oil to teach us Yanks a lesson for becoming less dependent on their dirty oil? Nuts to that.

Lowered demand for oil in Europe? If those Europetinians can’t get it together and burn up oil, we’ll show them how it’s done, right here on American soil, the American way, as our forefathers did. Go Murica!!!! – Alan Büzcan, President, ICHOP

Mr. Büzcan’s vision, aptly called “Bring Back the Demand” involves ways that Americans can consume inordinate amounts of oil and petroleum-based products. Some of his recommendations include, but are not limited to the following:

  • Drive bigger vehicles: Trade up your current vehicle for the largest one that you can get your hands on, and drive it as much as you can. He cites a case of a man in Tittiville, Texas who recently acquired a used Caterpillar 777 dumptruck (the ones used in the oilsands), made it street legal, and idles the behemoth at every possible opportunity. To top it off, in the bed of his 777, the man has 2 Hummer H1s that are continuously idling, and in the beds of those, three 10-year old gas powered lawnmowers that run as much as they can. Another man, from North Virginia puchased a 1967 GMC city transit bus, converted it to run on gasoline, and uses it as a daily driver.
  • Waterproof your shingles with Vaseline: The recommendation here is to purchase Vaseline by the case-load, borrow a ladder, and carefully apply a minimum 2″ thick later of the petroleum-based jelly product on the roof on your home. In some climates, Mr. Buzcan’s recommendation includes doing the same to a home’s siding.
  • Heated Neighbourhoods:  Use gasoline or diesel fuel to melt the snow or frost in your driveway and sidewalks.  Pour liberally over and around any areas you want cleared and light it up.  Presto.  Fire snow removal.
  • Winter air conditioning:  Run your air conditioner all winter long and just use extra blankets to stay warm.  It will keep your house fresh and crisp, and help use up the natural gas stockpiles, basically killing CNG alternative fuelled vehicle options in the future.
  • Government sponsored Free Fuel Days:  Badger and lobby your local governments to sponsor Free Fuel Days at regional gas and diesel distributors.  If you give fuel away, more people will burn more of it.  Once they get hooked on driving and idling, raise the price back up.  It’s really that simple.
  • Stop recycling:  Cease and desist all manner of recycling plastics.  If everyone takes their plastic bottles for disposal, we can use more oil making new ones.  Ensure that all recyclable plastics are kept out of your usual bins by taking them to an Exxon or Bendovus plastic disposal facility for proper incineration.
  • Choose plastic over paper: ICHOP strongly recommends choosing plastic grocery bags over paper ones, and use an inordinate number of them. For example, they recommend asking the grocery bagger to put each individual grocery item in its own full-sized grocery bag. In this way, the average American family of 4 can use over 1750 bags per month.
  • Reduced tire pressure should look something like this
    Reduced tire pressure should look something like this

    Reduce tire pressure: According to ICHOP, this is a technique that is simple enough that even a child can do it. The idea here is to reduce the pressure in your automobile’s tires just to the point that their sidewalls won’t fail. Doing this simple trick can have your vehicle easily consume 27% more fuel without even changing your driving habits. And the positive side, this modification provides for a much smoother ride thanks to the extra sidewall flex.

As one can imagine, ICHOP’s “Bring Back the Demand” initiative has drawn the ire of environmentalists across the country.

Merry Perrytwinkle, spokesperson for Friends of the Earth Mother, reacted to the initiative when asked outside of The Brazilian

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Merry Perrytwinkle, environmentalist

You have got to be kidding me?! An initiative to all Americans to use more oil to drive up demand so that oil prices can go higher? What is this world coming to? I realize that one of our own was caught driving one of the largest SUVs in existence, but that’s besides the point. I am an environmentalist, and what I have to say is indeed important, even if nobody takes me seriously. – Miss Perrytwinkle, talking outside of the Calgary-area vegan Brazilian BBQ cookhouse.

 

2 COMMENTS

  1. I’m doing my part. I just installed a trapeze over a vat full of Vaseline for a few very special clients. I had to get rid of the trampoline and German Shepherd, though. Too many “accidents.”

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