HOUSTON, Texas – In a totally unexpected and unexplainable development, Texas ran out of oil today. “It was the damnedest thing,” said Texas Railroad Commission chairman Billy Joe Bob Bantling, “It was like somebody shut in er’vry wellhead in the state and padlocked ’em. Shee-ut, now I gotta go back to regulatin’ railroads, ‘cept we ain’t got none of them left neither. Come to think of it, I’ve always wondered why in the hell this is called the Railroad Commission.”
According to the Texas Oil Producers association, every well in the state had its watercut jump up to 100% pretty much overnight.
“This sort of reservoir dynamic is unheard of, and I’m concerned that we’ll see it in other parts of the world,” said Dr Poukete, founder of Calgary-based Poukete Engineering.
He continued, “This is a problem that even our sophisticated and highly technical engineering software cannot figure out!”
The economic impact of massive unemployment in the soon-to-be defunct oil patch is expected to be massively impactful.
Bantling went on to say, “Way-ul, ’bout the only work we got left is plugging all 1,732,568 wells in the state. If’n the work is done accordin’ to regulation, that’ll take ‘til next Tuesday. Then it’ll be time to fire up the bass boat. Anybody know where they been bitin’?”
Governor Prick Perry announced formation of a task force to set up concentration camps to retrain oil field workers or at least keep them out of sight. “I really don’t give a shit since I’m busy running for president again,” said the governor in one of his rare moments of lucidity, “But I suppose I better try to look presidential and act all concerned.”
Professor Titus A. Drumm of the Texas Institute of Taxidermy (home of the Fighting Areolas) believes that a sudden invasion of mutated turnip termites is responsible. “Farmers quit planting turnips because of them critters. The termites had to find a new food source and a turnip tastes about the same as crude oil, so it’s not that hard to explain.”
Reverend Jimmy Crack Cornhold of the Perpetual Wrath of Higher Power Church in Knotsie, Texas announced that this is God’s punishment for liberal politics and the cancellation of Star Trek: Enterprise. “I had a revelation that Scott Bakula is the second coming of Jesus!” claimed Reverend Cornhold.
Apparently, the good reverend hasn’t noticed that Mr. Bakula is now starring in NCIS: New Orleans.