AUSTIN, Texas – Governor Prick Perry is forcing a merger of the two largest state university systems in Texas: the University of Texas (UT) and Texas Agricultural & Mechanical University (TAMU, or much more commonly, A&M). Perry, himself a 1972 graduate of A&M, said that administrative consolidation of the two systems would save an enormous amount of money that he plans to divert into his presidential campaign. He explained,
Even if I crash and burn like I did in 2012, I won’t owe a ton of money. I’m still having to do favors for all those assholes I’m on the hook to from the last time. – Governor Prick Perry
The UT system has over 216,000 students and the A&M system 131,000 for a combined enrollment of 347,000. The flagship campuses, UT-Austin and A&M-College Station, are bitter rivals in practically every way possible.
Following State of Texas tradition, the two chancellors have agreed to determine the merged systems’ single new leader with a gunfight at AT&T Stadium in Dallas. Television rights have sold for a reported $10 million and will be staged during halftime at the Dallas Cowboys/Houston Texans football game.
The rivalry is most heated between the schools’ two geoscience departments, especially after TAMU recently unearthed a hoax involving the Eagleford play and UT. Professor Joe Bob Jimmy Mac Boonesfarm, Dean of Geosciences and Transgender Studies at A&M blustered, “Them dipshit teasippers at UT cain’t tell a sedentary rock from an ignass rock and they think crystal is a stripper down at the topless club.”
UTDr. Folk C. Saiuns, Professor of Petroleum Jawlogy and Other Important Stuff at UT, fired back, “The last time an aggie found any awl was in a gas station. And then he couldn’t figure out how to open the can.”
The stunned citizens of Texas reacted strongly to the news. Graduates of the two universities have co-existed throughout the state in an uneasy truce, but open warfare looms.
The Grand Muppet of the Mask in College Station, Kur Meht al-Fraug, stopped short of declaring jihad, but vowed to resist the merger “in every way possible.” The Chief Rabbit of the Temple in Austin, Bergs Bunnistein, responded with, “Oy veh, that putz wants a fight? He gets a fight. That schlemiel give me such a headache!”
A majority of the members of the state legislature vowed to prevent the merger, even if it means impeaching the governor. In perhaps the sharpest criticism of the merger, however, an angry mob hung Gov. Perry in Effigy, a small town just north of San Antonio.