Oilsands crude discovered to have 38% THC content

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FT. MCMURRAY, Alberta – An amazing discovery last week has been released to media outlets around this world this morning.  A comprehensive study conducted by the Global Crude Composition Coalition has revealed that crude oil mined from near surface open pit mines in northern Alberta has a very high percentage of in-solution Tetrahydrocannabinol, or THC, the active ingredient found in marijuana.  The news has destabilized much of the protests around the world and may also explain many of the claimed side effects of oilsands mining.

Thomas Morgani, Shall Energy
Thomas Morgani, Shall Energy

We now know that the crude has a high percentage of THC in solution.  In some areas as high as 38%.  The THC does not come out of solution until the raw processing is completed and it is nearly time to ship the crude out of Fort McMurray.  We are going to push a cooperative effort with the British Columbia Government to strip the THC out of solution and sell it to vapour smokers around the world. Crude oil is not a controlled substance and we should be able to make this fly fairly easy. – Thomas Morgani, Shall Energy, Northern InSitu Process Manager

The news has also stirred up much debate among the activist community.  More than half of Alberta’s membership in environmental groups, including Greenpeace and The Sierra Club, have backed off in hopes the news will lead to less expensive sources of their inspirational chemical.  One individual has even gone as far as to reverse his stance on the crude mines, and chant in favour of them.

Jessop McLennan
Jessop McLennan, not sure where he is

We liked Mary jane cause it was natural man, not dirty.  And if the oilseeds can get home made, Earth cooked goodness out of the ground, how bad can they be man?  I mean, Mother Nature wouldn’t poison the Earth with weed man.  She’s a-a-a-a-l-right. – Jessop McLennan, former Greenpeace advocate

The study has virtually no scientific merit however, as many of the authors are bored, unemployed technicians left over form the recent rounds of cuts at Best West Exploration and Enkarma.

The recent drop in the price of oil has led some judicial powers to believe the THC may actually be added in secret just before the pipeline phase in a conspiracy to ‘launder’ THC oil from marijuana grow operations in northern Alberta.

Clark Mackarney.  Trying to get Yu Mii to put away her camera
Clark Mackarney, trying to get Yu Mii to put away her camera

Just think, they grow thousands of plants out there.  Truck in the oil they cook out of it, pump it into the crude mix and voila.  Instant dollars for all the players in the oilseeds region.  At the current price of oil, if they can strip a 38% THC sale out of the mix at about $25 per ounce, they have it made.

The crude becomes a cheap form for the largest substance pipeline in human history. Of course we’ll never get the geologists or engineers up there to confess, as they are the largest consumers of these substances in Alberta next to enviro-activists, teachers, and liberal politicians. – Clark Mackarney, Edmonton Police Service

Independent laboratory testing will confirm the content of each of the mined regions in northern Alberta, as well as deep earth gas tests to prove the THC in in the ground and not being added by drug traffickers at surface post excavation.

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