PASADENA, Texas – The National Aeronautics and Space Administration held a press conference today warning of an imminent collision between Earth and a massive asteroid. According to a handout, the asteroid, dubbed BAR-2015a (Big-Ass Rock, first discovery of 2015), is now 7,040,000,000 cubits from Earth. It has an average diameter of 0.0000000108 astronomical units and its estimated mass is 14 gigaquintals. An exact date for the collision was not given, only a vague reference to “sometime in the future, but not this week.”
NASA’s Near Earth Object Program [This is real], operated by the Jet Repulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, Texas detected the asteroid when a janitor, Raymond P. Muckleroy, happened to look out the window late one night. He remarked,
There it was, just bigger’n Dallas! It was just zipping through Pisces which I happen to recognize because it’s the sign of my girlfriend Honey Jean. She works down at the Starbucks on the corner. I wanted them to name it after her but when I said the word ‘asteroid’ she thought I was talking about her rear end and got all mad. – Mr. Muckleroy
At this point Mr. Muckleroy was silenced before he could wander even further from the subject.
Askim Y. Polemic from United Press International asked, “Cubits? Astronomical Units? What in hell are you talking about?”
Dr. Thomas A. Anderson, NEO Chief Scientist, defended the use of obscure units of measure to describe BAR-2015a. “If ordinary people don’t know what you’re talking about, they’re less likely to panic. Besides, we’re still trying to determine the precise orbit of the damned thing. We don’t want to say it’s going to hit Trenton, New Jersey when it’s actually going to hit New York City”
Dr. Faustus Limpdic, curator of paleontology at the Toronto Museum of Random Objects, believes the upcoming event will add a valuable insight to the science of paleontology.
There is solid evidence that past impacts of this scale caused mass extinctions, such as the sudden disappearance of dinosaurs. Having an ELE (extinction level event) occur in modern times will either prove or disprove the concept. I can’t wait. – Dr. Limpdic
Professor Holroyd Q. Fenster of the University of Texas School of Geology and Other Mental Disorders is preparing to collect samples of the asteroid and the resulting dust fallout. He said, “The dust samples should show an enrichment of iridium, which would be consistent with other extinction events. I will lead a group of graduate students to pre-selected sampling sites, provided anybody’s still alive.”
2P News will keep readers up to date on this sensitive matter since it is dear to the editors’ hearts. Yes, the staff at 2P News would like to continue living.