CALGARY, Alberta – After significant deliberation and some playful cajoling from office coworkers, 2P News co-founder Antoine McGuilicuddy has decided to form an independent political party and run for Premier of Alberta in the upcoming spring election.
Amidst great fanfare in front of ones of dumbfounded passersby, Antoine took to a makeshift podium in front of downtown Calgary’s popular Fish and Fiddle pub to announce his party’s platform.
I think it is time,… it is time that Albertans get what they finally deserve after decades of poorly handled provincial politics… and that’s a transparent, honest, open, and caring government that will lead this great province of ours into great places to do even greater things. Who’s the man who will make this possible? Me, Antoine McGuilicuddy. Which party? The Save Alberta From Idiots Party. One vote for me is one step closer to a better Alberta – Antoine McGuilicuddy
According to pamphlets handed out by Antoine’s 2P News co-founder and party treasurer and political engineer, Darcy Flowman, The Save Party’s platform is quite simple and straight shooting. It’s a no-nonsense, git ‘er dun plan whose far-reaching policies should impact every Albertan, all of the time. Here are some of the highlights:
1) Alberta Tobacco & Alcohol Registry – Create a registry similar to the long-gun registry, but to track people who buy any cigarettes, cigars, chewing tobacco, and any booze including beer and spirits. The idea is that purchases in excess of a predetermined limit calculated from the average Albertan’s consumption will be taxed at 223% with every penny of revenue set aside for healthcare spending. To make things a little easier for most, the registry will be suspended during the 10 days of the Calgary Stampede, as well as over the Christmas Holidays, corporate networking, or training events.
2) Implement a Volunteer Tax Credit – For every hour that an Albertan volunteers with a registered charity, or even doing volunteer work for the Province of Alberta, he or she would receive a tax credit that would directly offset his or her taxable income. The Save Party would strongly urge municipalities to implement a similar program that would offset a homeowner’s property tax burden. Volunteer hours at any type of fun celebration, or serving libations at government gatherings will not be eligible for the tax credit.
3) Keep Healthy Alberta Tax – Implement a new 450% “Keep Healthy Alberta” tax on junk food. Every penny earned from this new tax to be set aside for healthcare and to market province-wide exercise initiatives such as the “Walk to End Obesity.” The tax will be implemented on ALL food items that exceeds 200 grams of fat and/or 50 grams of sugar per serving. The average price for a single-serving bag of chips will be $8.47. A can of soda (diet or otherwise) will retail for no less than $5.45. Taxes will not be charged on any items sold or provided within the parliamentary campus in Edmonton.
4) Share the Wealth transfer payments: When an individual purchases what The Save Party deems to be a luxury item (for example, an exotic vehicle, jewelry in excess of $10,000, etc.), that individual will be required to make a donation to a registered Alberta-based charity of their choice for the same dollar amount less any sales tax. This will also be a tax deductible expense on provincial income taxes.
5) Advantageous Oil & Gas Royalty Program: Oil & Gas operators with home offices in Alberta will contribute 50 hours annually of each individual employees time as volunteer hours within their communities. This will contribute roughly 30,000,000 hours of community assistance per year. These hours will be paid by the employer as nontaxable benefits.
While these are just a small sample of the 83-point campaign platform released by The Save Party, it goes without saying that 2P News supports all of these initiatives and we look forward to a bright Alberta future without idiocy.
Love you Guilly! Giv’em Hell Bro! It’s too bad they had you doing security at last night’s televised provincial election debate – those jive-time turkeys. – Darcy Flowman