SAN FRANCISCO, California – Starfleet Enterprises of San Francisco is using a tachyon beam to probe the geologic history of promising areas for oil and gas exploration. Chief Engineer Monty Scott was duped into divulging the details by 2P News after his consuming nearly half of a fifth of 25 year-old Macallen scotch whisky with Moosepeace beer chasers. [For the sake of clarity, his belches, verbal stumblings and divergences have been edited out.] He said,
As you know all too well, in most cases a geologist can’t find his arse with both hands, much less a new oil field. We engineers decided to enhance our own job security by drilling prospects that have a decent chance of finding oil and gas. The key is getting those dolts to create better, more accurate maps. – Monty Scott, Chief Engineer at Starfleet
According to a report authored by Monty Scott and a petroleum engineering colleague, they stole/borrowed a design for a tachyon generator from CERN in Switzerland and engineered it to fit in an eighteen-wheel truck. By varying the strength and duration of tachyon pulses, the duo was able to create what looks like a time-lapse movie over geologic time of the area being surveyed. Mr. Scott continued, “We’ve obtained useable data from as far back as 600 million years ago. This gives the rock jocks a much better idea of the depositional environments, tectonics and all that other crap they ramble on and on about to disguise the fact that they’re clueless.”
Scott et. al. admitted that the only problem is that everything has to be run by remote control. Unfortunately, the beam generator also produces a flood of neutrons like the so-called neutron bomb that kills every living thing within several kilometers.
I suppose we could set up some lead shielding but then the device would weigh far too much to be portable. We’ve been trying to get our CEO to sit in the truck during a survey but he wants to know why the rest of us leave. – Mr. Scott
Mr. Scott went on to explain that this is why the process is only suitable for rural areas, preferably those sparsely populated.
During beta testing, the circular barren zones created by the beam were visible from the International Space Station. To eliminate this problem the testing was moved to the far north where no vegetation grows. Other than a few dead arctic terns there have been no further ill effects.
Starfleet expects to use the device mostly in places like Russia and China where the government doesn’t give a hot damn about a few side effects as long as oil and gas are found.