PORTLAND, Oregon – Sneakypete Oil Company of Bellylint, Oregon has been developing a recent oil discovery in northern California but has encountered resistance from a nearby municipality, even though the town’s merchants have benefitted greatly from the company’s spending.
The only highway into the field passes through the town and residents objected to having so many heavy trucks on the road. The City of Lotuseater, California enacted an ordinance that bans moving drilling rigs and equipment on city streets, a typical road bad similar to what is found in Alberta and Saskatchewan. In order to reach their newly re-named Bytmyass Field, Sneakypete had to find a new way to get supplies moved.
The highway will be completely avoided and everything will move on the Bellicose River that the highway parallels. Sneakypete’s lawyers found that the river is classified as a navigable waterway used in interstate commerce and under state and federal law the town has no jurisdiction over watercraft passing through.
The company purchased a surplus LCAC (Landing Craft Air Cushion) from the U. S. Marine Corps. The craft was reconditioned and refitted to carry drilling equipment and supplies. The LCAC can carry 60 tons and travel at up to 40 knots (74 km/hr.). However, the shriek of its four gas turbine engines is like a banshee out of hell and will wake the dead. To avoid disrupting any other river traffic, the LCAC will make its runs between midnight and 6:00 am.
Stickit Tuam, president of Sneakypete, said, “We know this may interrupt the town residents’ beauty sleep, but we are not unsympathetic. We plan to hand out free ear plugs.” He acknowledged the possibility that pissed off residents may try to interfere with the passage of the LCAC. He continued, “This has been planned for. There are two .50 caliber machine gun mounts on the bow.”
The mayor of Lotuseater, Philodendron Whirledpeas, vowed, “This isn’t over. Our Wiccan coven will summon the power of Gaia to defeat these interlopers and if that doesn’t work, we’ll all hold our breaths until we turn blue!”