CALGARY, Alberta – Research scientists at the University of Calgary announced today that moose droppings in the vicinity of Lake Louise in western Alberta were found to contain approximately 22% triuranium octoxide (U3O8), a compound of the element uranium known as yellowcake.
Furthermore, the ratio of uranium isotopes was skewed far toward U-235, the fissionable isotope used in nuclear reactors and atomic bombs. It’s usually 0.72% but for reasons yet to be determined the moose droppings have a concentration of nearly 2%. This makes the material suitable for use as fuel in CANDU (CANada Deuterium Uranium) electric power reactors after the yucky organic stuff is removed.
Sherlock Ohms, spokesman for the Alberta Electric System Operator, said,
Those jerks at Hydro-Québec will bite the big one. We’ll have the ability to supply all the power Canada will ever need at a price that undercuts H-Q by 50%.
The Harper government in Ottawa promised to fast-track permits for new power reactors and transmission lines.
Dr. Flora N. Fawnae, Professor of Biology at the University of Calgary, said,
We’re trying to find out what the moose are eating to result in such a high concentration of uranium, but so far we’re stumped. Of note is that one side effect of the radiation from the U-235 is that the moose of Alberta have the biggest anuses ever recorded. They’re practically all asshole. This explains why the vast majority of them voted for the NDP.
Alberta premier-elect Rachel Nutley took exception to Professor Fawnae’s statement and said, “Doesn’t it make sense that uranium comes from Uranus? Or moose anus? Or whatever? However, anything that sticks it to the oil and gas companies is fine with me.”
Mr. Dèng Xiǎopíng Dòngbīn, CEO of Bendovus Energy, was apoplectic, “WTF? Power generation without coal, oil or gas? This is going to negatively impact our business with a huge negative impact. But, we’re already planning countermeasures. Bendovus is offering a $1,000 bounty in cash for every moose head delivered to any of our Alberta field offices. Triple that for Bullwinkle.”
Reactions elsewhere in Canada were mixed. Monsieur Pierre Francais-Allemagne, CEO of Moosepeace Beer in Hudson’s Bay, was horrified by Mr. Dèng’s strategy. He said, “Sacrebleu! He is placing a bounty on the soul of Canada! Le moose is found in every province! Just like Moosepeace beer!”
Everyone in BC was too stoned to make a coherent statement.