WASHINGTON, D.C. – The People’s Republic of China (PRC) holds approximately $1.2 trillion of U. S. A. national debt. Today in Beijing Chinese president Jum Ping Jax announced that he is cashing in all those IOU’s and expects payment by next Thursday.
In a speech to the People’s Assembly of Parliamentary Councils, Forums and Convocations, (PAPCFC) he explained that the Central Committee for Disguising the Fact We’re Now Capitalists (CCDFWNC) of the Communist Party of China (CPC) mandated the sudden move.
“We’re tired of being viewed by the world as short, frumpy people. The money will be used to buy every person in China a set of shoe inserts that will make them about 3 inches taller. Then we’ll open 1 million new barbershops, beauty salons and clothing stores so people can get a decent haircut and finally get rid of those pajamas and Mao suits that are so unfashionable. We estimate that the cost of doing all that is about US$1.2 trillion, so the numbers balance out pretty good.” – Jum Ping Jax
Left unanswered by Mr. Jum were questions about how the country will train that many barbers, beauticians and store clerks, not to mention manufacturing the stock for the clothing stores. It is expected that China will draw on the resources of other Asian countries. Speculation is rampant that this is merely a ruse to disguise a shocking lack of savoir-faire among CPC cadres.
Pundits think it is unlikely that the U. S. will comply with this demand. Secretary of the Treasury Deep Lee Inhock responded, “Look, if we had that kind of money lying around we wouldn’t be $18 trillion in the red. Get it? In the red? Communists? Never mind. I suppose we could bring back the $1,000 dollar bill, print 1.2 billion of them and ship them to China. I’m told that’s about 1,322 tons of paper so it might take a while. Say, we might print two $1 trillion dollar bills, send them to Beijing and demand $800 billion in change.”
When pressed for a response by a delegation of U. S. congressional representatives, President Barack Odrama commented,
“It’s not that we don’t want to pay back all that money we owe, it’s just that it would be disruptive to the world economy.” When asked for details of how that would happen, he became irritated and responded, “Hey, I just read out loud the words that somebody else writes. I have no idea how this shit works.” – President Barack Odrama