Liechtenstein Bans Fracking; World Barely Notices

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Liechtenstein, somewhere under those clouds

GENEVA, Switzerland – Hans Verklempt Fischöl, prime minister of the Principality of Liechtenstein, announced today that its parliament has enacted a permanent ban on all hydraulic stimulation of oil and gas wells within the country. Herr Fischöl said, “This is a great day for Liechtenstein. We decided to do our part to preserve the environment from rapacious oil companies. We just got our street paved and don’t want it torn up by trucks hauling heavy frack equipment. We’ve seen pictures of Calgary.”

Herr Fischol, rejoicing
Herr Fischol, rejoicing

When a reporter pointed out to the prime minister that Liechtenstein, a tiny independent country nestled in the Alps between Switzerland and Austria, has no oil and gas production and never will, he admitted,

“When was the last time you even heard of Liechtenstein? We’re doing this to generate a little publicity for our ski resort industry. Besides, we get all our energy from burning wood and cow chips. Well, I do have an extension cord that I use to swipe electricity from Switzerland when I want to watch The Polka Hour on TV.

“We had to act fast after hearing that other members of AMCNHO (Association of Miniscule Countries Nobody’s Heard Of) were going to do the same thing. Those Schweine in Monaco, San Marino and Andorra got the jump on us when they declared their airspace off limits to flying saucers, ICBMs and time travelers, but not this time! We’re first!” He closed his announcement by saying, “When booking your ski vacation in Liechtenstein, just mention that you’re also anti-fracking and receive a 10% discount on lift tickets. Hotels and restaurants, 5%.”

Max Avarice, CEO of TexxonMogul
Max Avarice, CEO of
TexxonMogul

The news rippled through the world’s oil and gas industry like a speck of dust landing on a elephant.  When asked for a comment, TexxonMogul CEO Max Avarice said,

“Liechten-what?  Who cares what some dipshit European dorks are doing. They better figure out how to run their tractors and motorscooters on cow piss because after I make a few phone calls that’s all they’ll have.”

In the interest of providing complete information to our readers, 2PNews asked the International Energy Administration (IEA) for an appraisal of the oil and gas potential of Liechtenstein. The designated responder, Mr. Oinuaeliey Ofukaduk, the Nigerian delegate to IEA, claimed that due to European colonialism of two centuries ago he lacked the wherewithall to answer the question.

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