LONDON, England – In perhaps the most astonishing mea culpa in recorded history, representatives of all the major scientific organizations issued a joint statement admitting that the Earth is flat and not the oblate spheroid that has been taught world-wide for centuries. Dr. Phib R. McGee, president of the Society of People Way Smarter than You, answered reporters’ questions at a press conference. He began,
“I’m sure everyone here wants to know why we did it. Well, it started about six hundred years ago with Leonardo da Vinci. He loved to play practical jokes. Copernicus started the notion of a spherical earth orbiting the sun the previous century and da Vinci knew that was bullshit. But then he thought, ‘Hey, could I convince everybody that it’s round?’ He secretly wrote to all his scientific buddies and asked them to get in on the joke. The conspiracy grew from there and the rest is history.”
He explained that the North Pole is the center of the disc comprising Earth and that Antarctica is just a wall of ice surrounding the edge of the disc. It’s there to keep all the water in the oceans from draining over the side. That’s why compasses point north and not south. Therefore, the only true map of the world is the one called a north polar projection. Other kinds of maps are just made up. When asked about satellites and manned spacecraft in orbit, Dr. McGee responded, “You saw David Copperfield make the Statue of Liberty disappear on TV, didn’t you? Penn and Teller chop off arms and legs every night in Las Vegas. They and a lot of their predecessors worked for us. People are so stupid all it takes is a little smoke and some big, big mirrors.
“A number of mysterious things can now be explained. The hundreds and thousands of people who disappear every year? They fall off the edge or through holes in the disc. Why do places like West Texas, Kansas, Saskatchewan, etc. seem so flat? Because they are.” Dr. McGee concluded by saying,
“In reality, for most people this won’t make a rat’s ass bit of difference. Tell me, does this change your life in any way? All the controversy will die down quickly. Besides, this is nothing compared to what will happen when people find out that physicians invented most diseases and keep you sick far longer than necessary, just for the money.”