Top 10 things you’ll never hear an engineer say

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In this light-hearted Thursday piece to kick-off November, we have for you the Top Ten things that you will never hear come out of an engineer’s pompous, arrogant, know-it-all, beer-chugging cake-hole.

This list was expertly curated from a combined 75 years of 2P News staffs’ experience being an engineer or working with engineers. We have also gleaned items from the comments left on our articles and from user feedback. We hope you enjoy.

Starting things off at Number 10:

“Wings and beer? No thanks, I steer clear away from that poisonous filth!”

A engineer’s least favourite food and drink combo.

Number 9:

“Let me check with our trusty, well-respected, and very knowledgeable geoscience team before we commit to a well design. I do not want to upset anybody on that team or undermine their uber valuable contributions.”

Number 8:

“I hope my son gets good grades in English and History. Those subjects are super critical life skills!”

Number 7:

“Sorry, but I don’t understand new math.”

“That new math throws me for a loop!”

Number 6:

“My spouse says that I’m waaaaaaaay too sensitive.”

Number 5:

“Don’t worry, I’ll call and ask.”

Number 4:

“Yes, you’re right. I had no clue what I was talking about.”

Number 3:

“There is no solution – it just can’t be done, dammit!”

Number 2:

“I’m just going to zip off my pant-legs and make shorts.”

Number 1:

“Now where’s that ol’ Tilley hat of mine?”

Number 0:

“I really don’t know where the E&P business would be today without geologists. But it sure as heck won’t be good.”

Number -1:

“Oh, your new boyfriend is studying geology?! What a catch, I’ve gotta meet him! Let’s have him over for dinner before he slips off your hook.”

Number -2:

“Why of course, I’d love to snuggle on the couch and binge watch This is Us with you all weekend.”

Number -3:

“I’m so very sorry.”

An actor portraying an engineer expressing that he is sorry.

Number -4:

OMG! This new purple paisley ascot with matching pocket square expertly tufted into my two-button Tom Ford single breast in triple-point fashion complemented by my slim-fit Brunello Cuccinelli slacks, bespoke cufflinks, monogrammed Eton button down, and burnt camel brogues provide ultimate wardrobe balance for me today.”

A  model portraying a well dressed engineer.

And rounding off the list at Number -5 (drum roll, please):

“Excuse me server, why don’t you just place that bill right here in front of me – I’ve got this one again, guys!”

So there you have it. If you have ever heard an engineer say ANY of the things listed above, please get in contact with us immediately or leave a comment below explaining the Twilight Zone environment in which you had this experience. Also comment if you know of any other things that you’ve never heard an engineer say.

And, oh, we apologize for the numbering in this article – it was managed by a geology intern we have on staff. He had only one job to do, and he messed it up.

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