Shock collars modified to keep engineers in check, general public rejoices

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CALGARY, Alberta – If applying Alberta’s new Technical Disability Tax Credit wasn’t enough to mitigate the negative effects of associating with engineers in a professional or social setting, a group of geologists from Poukete Engineering have developed a new shock collar that will help keep engineers in check at the source in an attempt to save the government money on tax rebates.

The group of research geologists, after continuing to be interrupted by engineers and their annoying tech talk day in and day out around the office for years, decided to conduct some research of a different kind that would allow them to become more productive in the workplace.

The 4 geoscientists, with help from a pack of computer programmers, modified a canine training shock collar such that it would recognize the speech of its wearer, and based on identifying a set of programmable keywords, deliver a 1.7MWatt charge to the wearer’s neck.

According to the inventors of the breakthrough NerdShock 2000 device, it will issue an audible warning 3 times when any of the keywords is detected prior to applying the shock, thus giving the engineer a chance to shut up.

Larry Winklekorn
Brian Sommers

“This project is far bigger than just making our lives easier in the workplace here at Poukete, it is for humanity’s greater good – this device could actually make the world a better place for all.” – Brian Sommers, co-inventor, holding a prototype of the device

A junior consulting engineer with Poukete decided to help the team by being its guinea pig during development and testing. He was asked to speak 50 of the 2700 programmed keywords in various different languages, patterns, and under the influence of different alcohols and drugs. All tests and variables passed without incident.

Larry Winklekorn
Larry Winklekorn

“This thing actually really works, which I find quite surprising since geologists aren’t typically technically inclined, ‘OUCH! Please turn that darn thing off, Brian.’

The sensation I feel is much like when I was tazed by Calgary Police over 7 times a few weeks ago at Beer Fest. It might get annoying in the office, but after a while most people wearing them will learn to keep their mouths shut unless it actually matters.”  – Larry Winklekorn, junior engineer

With multiple patents pending on the technology, engineers with APEGA are hesitant to discuss the state of their profession. It would seem that geologists finally have the upper hand in what has always been the epic battle of math vs common sense.

Of interest to many oil and gas staff in Calgary, and in fact throughout the world, is that there was also a patent filed for collar technology being applied to middle management with keywords focused on oil and gas terminology.

3 COMMENTS

  1. How do you plan to install the collars? I don’t think that many engineers are going to put one on willingly, I know I wouldn’t
    There should also be a proximity sensor (blue tooth) so when 2 or more engineers get together they can talk about all the tech details that they like without getting shocked.

  2. According to Antoine, the collars are to be installed either by an engineer’s partner during sleep, or when the engineer is incapacitated from overindulging in alcohol.

    As for the idea about the sensor? Love it. You are a true engineer.

    Cheers,

    Darcy

  3. The best device was the cone of silence which originated with Get Smart some years back. However, like all good ideas ahead of their time, it has been only in the last few years that the technology has advance to the point of making it viable today.

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