Notley Government: We don’t need pipelines, OIL FLOATS!

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Prototype "oil on river" transport system near Ghost Lake, Alberta.
  • New petroleum transport mechanism will revolutionize the midstream industry.
  • Concept has special interest eco-terrorists group members quaking in their hemp-laced Birkenstocks.

EDMONTON, Alberta – Trans American Global Pipeline LLC has rocked both the oil & gas industry and the environmental movement by announcing that it is going to abandon all pipelines by 2020.  In this significant departure from its 118 year operating practice, the Edmonton-based company is planning to shut-in, clean out, and cement in every one of its pipelines and reclaim all of the land that they have disturbed.

Proponents to the plan including anti-oil, eco-terrorist lobby groups are pleased to hear this news and praise the company for supporting initiatives that will help save the planet.“Finally, we have a pipeline company that has some sense. Making these pipelines basically all but disappear is something we have been lobbying for decades,” remarked Sundance Moonbeam with the Pembina Cardium Institute.

Read More: Notley considers having Alberta become an American territory to secure WTI pricing.

Although initially considered a boon for the environmental special interest organizations, the plan was met with dismay and protest when they started to pay attention and understood the company’s grand plan: To use North America’s existing network of rivers and other waterways to literally float the oil from northern regions to refineries located as far south as Texas.

Davis McGlander and his cat, Pookins
Davis McGlander and his cat, Pookins

“We see this as win win for everyone. We face roiling battles everyday in every court, and every news paper and television station in the world.  Do pipelines leak?  Okay, sure, we can admit that.  Are they safe?  Not really.  Are we going to have spills?  Absolutely.  Are we accountable for the clean up when it happens?  Yessiree Bobbee.  So if spills and leaks are a certainty, why beat around the proverbial bush.  Let’s just put the oil in the rivers now, save the drama, and clean it up in one fell swoop when someone invents a better way to move us and heat our homes.  Sounds good to us.  Sounds good to our shareholders.  Done deal.” – Davis McGlander, TAGP COO

The plan put forward, and already approved by the Notley government (in hopes of securing its 2019 reelection position), comprises many technical facets including the installation of oil sluicing and metering instruments at water treatment facilities in major centres. The company also plans to take advantage of gravity to help separate oil from gas at all hydro-electric dams along the way.

The Notley government will mandate that all waterways be closed to the public effective January 1st, 2019 to ensure that no oil is tracked or slopped onto nearby pastures or beaches.

Daisy Fidgehutter
Daisy Fidgehutter

“We need to ensure that this plan does not do any damage to our delicate eco systems.  We can clean up the rivers later, they’ll basically flush themselves out if we pump enough Palmolive into them from the headwaters in McMurray.  What we cannot tolerate is the contamination of the adjacent flora by reckless boaters and hikers, or cattle.  There will need to be a pretty solid fence constructed to make sure that policy is enforced.” – Daisy Fidgehutter, Environmental Coordinator, TAGP

Seventeen major waterways have been selected for initial prototype runs from Fort McMurray down through central Alberta for Phase 1 development. Three of the rivers are dedicated to support oil sands mining operations, where the oil-soaked sand will be delivered into the system directly from Caterpillar 777 dump trucks into rivers where the current of the river will naturally separate the bitumen from the sand. The goal is to have the oil continue to float down the new transport mechanism while the sand stays behind and bolsters the river beds and shores, making beaches where there were no beaches before. Another benefit of this novel idea is that the oil will lubricate the river banks thereby increasing transport capacity throughput.

One of the prototype oil transport waterways just south of Leduc, Alberta.

Refiners who subscribe to the new midstream strategy will be equipped with special suck, separate, and water push stations that will process the oil. Refiners who pay the most will have the suck inlets positioned higher in the rivers so that they gain access to the best quality and lightest product.

The head of the Canadian Oil and Gas Export Association staunchly supports the new petroleum transport concept by saying that in principle, it is not very different from using pipelines.

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Al Quaide Domaan Hussar Caribe Jomuin Finnar Hussein, with COGEA

“If you think about a river, creek, or any waterway… what you have Is a channel that transports a fluid. Isn’t that what a pipeline Does? So it’s really the same thing just without the Costly Metal pipe. The main benefit of this system is That most of the upfront development costs have been footed by the bank of Mother Nature.” – Al Quaide Domaan Hussar Caribe Jomuin Finnar Hussein – President of the COGEA

An example of how oil would flow, artists rendering of course (pumpjacks are not that big, even if Thomas Mulclair says they are)
An example of how oil would flow, artists rendering of course (pumpjacks are not that big, even if Thomas Mulclair says they are)

With the approval already passed in Alberta at a provincial level, it is expected to be rubber-stamped by the Trump administration in the USA very shortly, as it may be the first time in history that oil companies have been honest with the public, regardless of whether it is a good or bad idea.

Plans to test the theory are already passing through the hands of international petroleum brokers and refiners, as the possibility of using oceanic current to direct the flow of oil on the surface of oceans may be feasible in the future.  And although there is no official response to date, an assured outrage from the environmental lobby will be heard once they wake up from the comas they fell into upon hearing the news.

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