Brokepipe Mountain: Movie Review

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Brokepipe Mountain Movie Poster

“An epic explosion in a stupid factory.” – Judy Swallows, The Winnipegosis Wanderer
“I would rather gargle battery acid than watch Brokepipe Mountain again!” – Ben Dover, The Ball Street Journal
“A misfire of inanities. This is a failure of epic proportions. You’ve got to be a genius to make a movie this bad!” – Anurag Dikshit, MST3K

The Bottom Line
Get ready to unfasten your seat belts for this Canadian-made petro-enviro love story that does a piss poor job of entertaining. In fact, I entered the theatre in the clean-shaven bloom of youth and emerged 443 minutes later with a family of field mice living in my long, white beard. This movie is an entirely inappropriate length for what is essentially a home video of two guys playing with a borehole tool and some pipe. Although this movie marks a distinct improvement on its predecessor, Brokeback Mountain, it does so only in the same way that dying from natural causes is preferable to crucifixion.

Director-Screenwriter
Wesley Pipes

Cast
Will Smith, Kevin Spacey, Sandra Bullock, Nick Nolte, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and special guest appearance by Justin “JT” Trudeau

Set against the sweeping foothill landscapes of Alberta, this epic story tells of two young men – a ranch-hand and a part-time cowboy – who meet in the summer of 2016 at the Calgary Stampede’s Rangeland Derby. The men hatch a secret plan to build an oil pipeline from Edmonton, Alberta, across the Rocky Mountains, to the tidewaters of Burnaby, British Columbia to funnel black market oil to Asian markets. During the years and years of covert construction, the two unexpectedly forge a lifelong connection, one whose complications, joys, and tragedies provide a glowing testament to the power and endurance of love.

Okay, now that that’s out of the way let’s get right down to it: Brokepipe Mountain is a thoughtless and progressively frustrating examination of two men’s secret plan to build an oil pipeline to sell illegally produced oil to the Chinese, with a twist – the Chinese didn’t want dirty, heavy, low-grade oil from western Canada to begin with – so everything was done in vain. That’s pretty much the long and short of it.

When ranch-hand P. Ennis (Will Smith, who was made to look rough like Drake) and part-time cowboy Paul Twocock (Kevin Spacey) meet during a month of emu ranching in Nisku, Alberta, they share lust, passion, and genuine affection for building pipelines – though in 2016, they can’t imagine their feelings for illegally transporting oil defining themselves while living in Canada that is run by a Liberal government. Ranch owner Dick Smalley (Nick Nolte) catches wind of their plan and misguidedly tells them that there is a lot of money to be made to move oil out west to China. But despite the enterprising notion of moving the oil, the silence on their plan to build a pipeline to save Alberta in 2018 lasts for months.

Actors Kevin Spacey and Will Smith made to look like Drake for this role

Each goes home, P.Ennis marries his girlfriend Ana L. (Sandra Bullock), and Paul longs for getting down and dirty working pipe with P. Ennis. They agree to meet again and then feel unable to stop their urge, so they steal a hydrovac truck, pipe puller, and order 1200 kms of custom-built lengths of 8” organic bio-grade pipe. At some point Ana L. discovers the truth that her husband and friend have formed this peculiar relationship to build a pipe. A pivotal point in the movie has Paul Twocock want to abandon the project when they approach a natural cavern in the lower Rocky Mountains, where Paul (played by Kevin Spacey) exclaims, “P. Ennis, I can’t do this any more. I don’t like were this is going. I refuse to lay my pipe through this cavern… it’s too big, and too old. You KNOW that I like younger boreholes, dammit!”

(Cue the ominously scary music) Enter Dustin Turdeau (Justin Trudeau), a 30 year-old, wet behind the ears, wannabee policy maker, and his scantily clad sidekick Thea Beaver (Jennifer Love Hewitt). This evil duo, bent on destroying the economies of western Canada, get wise to the Brokepipe Mountain plan and do everything in their power to stop it in this inordinately long love-thriller of a roller coaster ride that goes nowhere at the speed of light.

Justin Trudeau as Dustin Turdeau

The on-screen performances of this gaggle of Hollywood B-Listers wow, but in a “I can’t believe I just saw that!” kind of way. Admittedly, Justin Trudeau is gifted the perfect role – he, his pretty boy hair, and smugness, get to look good while tries to destroy the west in much the same way that his old man did back in the 1980s. But Nick Nolte looks as though he died 5 years ago and nobody bothered to tell him.

This is director Wesley Pipes’ silver screen debut, and we sincerely trust his last, after having raked up numerous awards in the adult film industry with hit titles such as Shaving Ryan’s Privates, Backseat Confidential, and Everybody Does Raymond.

2P News gives this movie 1 out of 5 pints of Moosepeace Cold Nads lager.

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