Edmonton, Alberta – Alberta Premier Rachael Notley announced this afternoon the NDP’s plan to purchase in its entirety, Devon Energy’s Canadian assets and operations. The move comes as Devon announces its exit from the Canadian PNG landscape to focus on core assets in the US.
The purchase is justified by the NDP pointing to the precedent set by Canada’s fearless leader and shiny show pony, Justin Trudeau, and the federal government’s purchase of the Trans Mountain pipeline from Kinder Morgan in 2018 for $4.5B.
The deal, brokered apparently over stale Taco Bell late last night, only took around 45 minutes from aircraft touchdown to wheels up according to sources. Devon executives arrived in Edmonton, were quickly escorted to a secure location near a Shell station west of Leduc, where a deal was struck within minutes.
Alberta’s hard-nosed negotiators apparently got their offer accepted and signed within 15 minutes, which is even faster than The Donald could have closed. The arranged deal promises a purchase price of just over $19.4 Billion, much higher than the currently assessed market value, although a steal of a deal considering the quality and caliber of Devon Energy’s hard-working staff.
The NDP promises to maintain all operations and development plans of Devon Energy’s oilsands assets, until such time that the price differential is eliminated and prices stabilize, or until Trudeau’s new Trans Mountain expansion is completed and oil can flow to tidewaters on the west coast.
“We see this purchase as an excellent example of government spending. We can see the future of these assets glowing brightly as we enter a new age of economic diversification and green-forward development. And if the movement towards green energy continues to grow, we can also mothball this crap and no one can do anything about it.” – Rachael Notley, Alberta Premier
Funding for the project will come from several sources according to Joe “Numbas” Cici. Several NDP MLA’s will take perk cuts to help save money. Such cuts would included cancelling subscriptions to Hooked On Phonix, Math for Dummies, Excel and Word tutorials, GQ’s Tie tying courses, and of course bowing out of the upcoming “How to Condescend to People you Think are Idiots” symposium most of them were planning to attend in New York this summer.
The NDP also has a very large bottle and can collection currently occupying 207 rusty rail cars just outside Westlock, Alberta on an old unused rail yard. Justin Trudeau, surprisingly enough, has also promised to pitch in $20 of his personal money, and match that with $20 of taxpayer funds.
The upside for worried employees of the exiting energy titan is that most of them will now become provincial government employees and as such, will receive all the same benefits and perks as other government departments. The AER will now share offices with the acquired staff which should save quite a bit of money on telecom bills and email according to Sara Hoffman, who is rumored to be the new COO of Devalbert Resources, as it is reportedly going to be renamed.
“I never thought I would become a public servant, much less one for the Orange, but I suppose that’s what it is. I can only imagine that the average IQ in Alberta’s parliament will jump through the roof once we move over, and can I say, ‘Hello Pension!'” – Antoni Marchuck, P.Eng., Environmental Safety Engineer
While the transition from private to public operations will require patience and a steep learning curve for all involved, it has also been stipulated by Notley that SNC-Lavalin be awarded the contract to sit around and bully people that don’t want to get with the program.