Crashent Point Energy Takes Diversity Inclusion to Unprecedented Heights

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The Disassociated Press – Crashent Point Energy just today announced a new set of corporate mandates that will ensure that all ethnic backgrounds, cultures, ages, and genders be involved across all of its corporate activities. The new set of strict and enforceable policies take effect immediately but have been trialed at the company’s downtown Calgary headquarters for the last 6 months.

Tommy Propsack, the company’s President and CEO sat down with 2P News reporter Yu Mii this morning.

YM: So Tommy, this concept is a first of its kind in the oil patch, and perhaps in the world. Tell me a bit about its genesis.

TP: Well, where do I start? Crashent is a forward-thinking company that is not afraid to try anything different. Have you heard of the 4D Cube Completion method? Crashent Point. How about the reverse frack hit counter balance steam cycles for heavy gas technique? Boom, that’s us, too. So we figured we’d branch out this experimental spirit into the HR side of the business, and show the world that we can be creative there, too.

YM: What exactly does this new mandate mean? How will the life of an average Crashent Point employee change?

TP: Well, where do I start? It’s pretty simple. No matter the activity, we now mandate that there be representation from a good range of human differences. We expect at least 2 visibly different ethnic backgrounds, 1 person over 60 years of age, 2 religious backgrounds, 1 vegetarian/vegan, and at least 2 of the 3 nationally recognized genders – that is male, female, and he-she aka non-binary. And let me just clarify one thing about the ethnic backgrounds part, they have to look different, you know, different skin tones. So having one person from Iran and one from Iraq counts as 1 ethnicity. You gotta have like, one from Iran and then perhaps a dark-skinned human from Africa or some place like that.

YM: Wait, so you mean that there will no longer be meetings with, say, only two people?

TP: That’s right, my racy little Asian friend. If Suzy is setting up a meeting, she will use a new feature that we implemented in Outlook that’ll make it easy for her to include people from the other groups using a colour-coded system of emoticons representing the various staff who need to be in attendance. And if the appropriate people aren’t included, an AI-based program will automatically invite them.

YM: One of the conditions is to have at least 1 non-binary person included. Do you have many of these people working for you? And if not, won’t they be very busy?

TP: I’d say 3 or 4 of our 8,000 staff here in Calgary have that background, but we’re looking to hire many more. But until then, yeah, they’ll be busier than a cat trying to cover a turd on a linoleum floor.

In a statement released by the Canadian Human Resource Federation, this plan will not work in the long term because it will erode productivity by virtue of people being invited to many meetings based on attributes that likely won’t have anything to do with the subject matter being discussed at a meeting. “We strongly feel that this system will promote a culture of professional relevancy where many at a meeting will have little to nothing to contribute or take anything away from a session,” Jane Doerson said, and continued, “This sort of inclusion will foster productivity levels otherwise reserved for public servants at all levels of government.”

A Crashent Point employee who was part of the 6-month Diversity Inclusion trial period spoke to 2P under conditions of anonymity.

Crashent Point engineer who goes by the name Jim Smith

“It’s one thing to have talk about diversity, but this mandated inclusion concept takes things to a whole new level. So I setup a quick meeting with Mildred to discuss an AFE and when I got to the room I was greeted by Hussein al-Shamour, Quie Xan Bao, Jamal Jackson III, and Daisy Sunflower – and none of them even knew what AFE stood for!”

Crashent Point Energy kindly asked 2P News to let you know that if you are a non-binary, Asian refugee with mobility issues, then they are looking for you! Apply in person at the CPE head office on 500, 5th Avenue SW.

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