EDMONTON, Alberta – While the people of Alberta eagerly await this spring’s election call, all of the political parties in the province have launched unofficial press releases and are holding news conferences about plans for Alberta’s future. The incumbent NDP, led by Rachael Notorious BIC Notley, has given 2P News a sneak preview of its top ten 2019 campaign election promises. And let us be the first to say, these might be their best ideas to date.
The NDP promise to reveal to the general public where they hid Allison Redford’s body.
Joe Cici promises to cut all ties to the mafia. He has stated that he believes the “mafia” is the Spolumbo’s Deli in Calgary’s Inglewood neighbourhood. He has reportedly been leaving envelopes of taxpayers’ cash on their counters for the last 2 years as protection money.
If elected, the NDP promises that the Education Minister will finish the GED he has been working on for the past 3 years, and try to teach Joe Numbas CiCi “New Math.”
Her Majesty Rachel Notley will deny Trudeau admission into Alberta while in power, and henceforth meet with him on neutral ground in Florida to discuss policy.
The NDP promises to open previously abandoned coal mine shafts to be converted to low-cost housing for homeless oil and gas workers in Alberta. These residences will be modified to meet standard of living levels similar to pipeline protest shanty towns in BC.
If elected, the NDP promises to waive all requirements and fees for university and college, and begin offering NDP party certified BS degrees in all subjects. These programs will guarantee positions for all graduates as members of the provincial NDP party.
Rachael Notley will publicly admit that Jason Kenney is far prettier than she is.
If elected, the NDP promises that Shannon Phillips will step down as Minister of the Environment and be appointed the newly created position of Minister of Water Fountains. In this role she will be chiefly responsible for all committees, task forces, publications, and studies to do with water fountains in Alberta.
Rachel Notley will create a new mandate that requires all ridings won by the NDP be held by persons with at least 2 years of work place experience, and be of legal drinking age.
The NDP promises to extend political terms in provincial office to 8 years, with an election every 12 years, with the 4 year flex-gap allowing for study and polls to assess the need for another election.
While more details are sure to be revealed, the NDP seem prepared for this election and are hoping to put up a good fight.