EDMONTON, Alberta – In an unprecedented move, the Alberta Electorate Commission has granted permission to the leaders of the two top-running political parties in Alberta to settle the election not by ballot on April 16th, 2019, but rather by an unconventional stand off.
Incumbent premier Rachel Notley and opposition leader Jason Kenney will settle their long-awaited dispute via a 12-round, no-holds barred WWF style cage match, dubbed “Skeletor vs the Michelin Man” in many circles.
The event, that will be televised nationally from a specially constructed cage positioned dead-centre on the ice surface of Rexall Place in Edmonton, is sanctioned by the Alberta Food and Game Commission and promoted by wrestling great Vince McMahon.
“After all of the accusations flying both ways in this bitter rivalry, and insults exchanged between the two, I really have high hopes for this cage match and I fully expect it to be a real doozy. People in the Edmonton area, if you feel some seismic activity on the night of April 16th, it’s not from frackin’, I’ll tell ya that!” said McMahon.
Here’s the Tale of the Tape for fight night:
Rachel “Nay Nay” Notley
- Record: 1-0
- Age: 73 (carbon dated)
- Weight: 87 lbs (soaking wet with pockets full of change)
- Height: Tall enough to single-handedly bring a multi-billion dollar industry to its knees
- Reach: Province-wide baby
- Secret Move: Death by Orange
Jason “Kamikazi” Kenney
- Record: 0-0
- Age: 21 (feels and acts like)
- Weight: 317 lbs (pre-fight weigh-in weight)
- Height: Taller than Skelator
- Reach: 14” (measured from max frontal girth point)
- Secret Move: The Muffin Drop
Expected in the crowd are Jagmeet Singh, Justin Trudeau, Andrew Scheer, and other dignitaries who are interested in seeing ol’ Skelator take on her UCP counterpart.
“I don’t know where this Skelator thing comes from, but I’m pretty. Look at me, dammit!! I’m pretty, Far prettier than Jay Chubs whose ass I am going to kick on April 16th. That well-upholstered chesterfield looking dictator better have his big boy, made in North Korea underwear on that night, because I’m going to hit him so hard that he’ll be cleaning toilets on Parliament Hill for the rest of his life.” – a somewhat excited and incoherent Rachel Notley speaking to 2P News about the fight.
Some analysts are expecting the two to tussle a bit for the cameras, then lightly kiss and make up at the end of the match and call it a draw, by both withdrawing from the running at the 12th hour. This will force an emergency election where the Alberta Communist Party and the Rhinos May be front runners
Rumours abound on social media that Andrew Scheer is expected to take to the ring after the fight and call out Justin Trudeau to settle the SNC-Lavalin affair once and for all. The rumour is somewhat substantiated by the fact that Trudeau has apparently ordered new fighting socks, a new special helmet to protect his hair, and also invited Mike Tyson to come help him train.
If this spur of the moment cock fight does occur, Vegas odds are on Scheer provided he can get to Justin’s hair and demoralize the imbecilic fashionista and unicorn-riding prince before a sucker punch to his Lavalins.