- New Calgary Visitor’s Tax (CVT) to take effect on May 1st, 2019.
- Visitors wearing at least 2 articles of clothing in Nenshi Purple are exempt.
- CVT to be collected by new city by-law outfit called the Calgary Tax Collection Tax Force.
CALGARY, Alberta – Calgary’s city council has been struggling with the drop in tax revenues for the last few years, as the value of downtown sky rise buildings plummets along with the oil and gas downturn. At council meetings yesterday, council was debating how high to hike residential property taxes to cover the massive $257 million shortfall. Late into the debates, a proposal was made to simply scrap the idea of hiking any taxes, in fact possibly reducing them, and implementing a visitor tax on people visiting the city.
It only took an hour or so of deliberation and detailing for the plan to take shape, get ratified in a unanimous vote, and scheduled to take effect on May 1, 2019. The new tax strategy, known as Calgary Visitor Tax, or CVT, will impose a tax and or fee on all people visiting the city, and vary with their city, province, or country of residence. A brief overview of these distinctions was leaked by a city intern who spoke to 2P News under conditions of anonymity.
- Residents from other regions of Alberta such as Edmonton or Red Deer will be assessed a 15% tax on all services and retail sales.
- Residents from British Columbia and Manitoba will be assessed a 25% tax on all services and retail sales.
- Residents from Saskatchewan are exempt from all taxes as most Calgary residents are originally from Saskatchewan. (Just look at the sea of green at a home Stampeders game.)
- Residents from anywhere east of Manitoba will be assessed a 50% tax on all services and retail sales, and a $25 a day fee for the added stress of Calgarians having to explain everything to them at a much slower pace, and usually twice.
- People from Quebec must sign a petition to support pipelines and attend at least 1 pro-pipeline rally wearing a sandwich board created by Jason Kenney, before they enter or purchase anything, along with a 500% CVT assessment.
- Americans can visit Calgary for $1.00 US per day.
- Visitors from Europe will be assessed visitor tax on a variable Rubendough scale, which fluctuates as Calgarians feelings towards Europeans varies day to day.
- Visitors from Asia will be assessed a visitor tax based on the current financial holdings of their citizens in or on Canadian assets.
- Visitors from Africa and the Middle East, and South American countries will be assessed a tax based on an algorithm using the current world pricing of energy and minerals, as well as factoring in current trade deals or treaties with said countries.
- Australians and New Zealanders will not be allowed to visit. They talk weird.
“you know, people really like to visit calgary, and they have been for quite some time, and now it’s time for them to pay-up! Some may see this as a tax grab, because it sure as heck is. Empty buildings can’t pay property tax, now can they? You know that little thing we do called the Calgary Stampede??? How do I say this…. CHA CHING!!!” – Mayor Nenshi
The actual implementation of the plan will require some new training and skilled workers, or Tax Collectors. These Tax Collectors will check visitors ID’s at checkpoints located at all access points to the city of Calgary, including roads, pathways, waterways, and of course the airports.
For those without ID, the tax will be assessed by Tax Collectors based on the visitor’s appearance and accent. Visitors wearing anything in Nenshi Purple are exempt from the tax and are welcome to a free tour of the Chambers at City Hall.
Fees will be assessed and paid through wireless Moneris Interac and Credit machines, or for ongoing stays, an officer will accompany the visitors for the duration of their stay.
2P News was along Calgary’s busy Stephen Avenue Mall yesterday to ask visitors about the idea.
“Er du jævla tuller meg? Jeg besøker Calgary hver vår, og du mener å fortelle meg at etter 1. mai skal jeg betale en avgift, fordi jeg ikke skal bruke lilla. Major Nenshi kan gå selv.” – Astrid Johansen, visiting from Norway
As details of this unfold, 2P News will continue to update our readers will any valid or ludicrous changes.