CALGARY, Alberta – Citizens of Alberta, Saskatchewan, and Manitoba awoke this morning to an unprecedented government press release – they were for sale.
The newly elected Jason Kenney, along with Scott Moe, and Brian Pallister, collaborated over the long weekend and listed their provinces, along with all citizens, resources, and infrastructure, on the real estate website MLS.
The listing is a shock but by no means a surprise to most, as the feelings of abandonment and loss have been a part of everyday life for Canadians in these provinces since Trudeau took office. Residents of AB, SK, and MB claim they have largely been ignored and taken for granted by the federal government.
“I remember the days when things used to be good out here in armpit, saskatchewan. Kids would climb the canola trees and vandalize the water tower while Hubby and I would throw on our Rider bunny hugs and take the grids out to the sloughs with a flat of pils. The economy would just chug along, the cost of living was sweet, and the weather was great. But since fall 2015, it’s been nothing but gloomy in every way you can imagine, and I know it’s gotta be because of that Trudeau fella. I’m ready to have these here parts acquired by some some other country right about now.” – Bertha RaNDERt, MaYOR of ARMPIT, Saskatchewan
The listing includes 3 provinces, sold as is, for an asking price of $12 trillion Canadian, or an estimated $25 Million US. The sale includes all assets and resources, and has the provision to grant all current citizens an instant citizenship with whatever nation opts to purchase the region.
Details of the listing are vague in regards to surface area and access to borders, but the listing specifically acknowledges a small portion of north east British Columbia will be annexed by military for the allow passage to Alaska should the sale be made to a US purchaser. Also, there is a provision in the listing for a border wall on the eastern side of Manitoba to keep out the riff raff from what would be left of Canada. We can simply assume residents of British Columbia will simply not have the ambition to try and jump the western border.
“Well we need some more structure if we want to tell that unicorn-mounted prince Trudeau where he can shove his carbon tax and other idealogical fantasies. We had a few pints of craft beer and decided this was the best path forward. We have tried to get Premier Ford involved as well but he was unavailable on the Easter Weekend. We’ll simply amend the listing if he chooses to throw Ontario into the package later this week. While it may force the federal government to move its offices to Quebec, we’ll even offer to pay for the Uhaul!” – Premier-elect Jason Kenney, at a Starbucks somewhere in Alberta
According to Google Analytics, the listing has been viewed several times from an office somewhere in Washington DC. 2P News has only heard of 2 offers so far, one from the above mentioned anonymous source in the US, and one from President Xi Jinping of China, who offered a 37% share of the United States and $250 Billion for what they don’t already own of the listed lands.