Canada Goosed plans to enter tropical climates in attempt to bolster plunging stock

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Canada Goosed is looking to branch into tropical beach climates in an effort to boost stock
  • Luxury parka maker saw its first revenue miss since duping idiots on an IPO back in 2017
  • Same idiot investors now believe that $1000 performance luxury jackets will do well in the Caribbean and other tropical climates

TORONTO, Ontario – Shares of Canada Goose were sent tumbling more than 73% on the TSX and NYSE Thursday after the Canada-based luxury retailer’s Q4 earnings missed the mark.

“Canada Goosed’s explosive growth could be winding down in traditional markets as people in North America, China, and Europe are starting to figure out that spending $1000 on a parka just to wear around in mild climates makes absolutely no $%&ing sense. These guys have some work to do in order to settle their investors,” said Densil Worthington, retail analyst at Foamberg and Son in a note.

Betting on Global Expansion

In light of these concerns of slowed growth, the company’s President and CEO, Danny Rice, is looking to take the company into other corners of the globe where you don’t typically see luxury parkas rated to -60C. Now where is that? Well, none other than in tropical climates. Mr. Rice spoke to 2P News’ Yu Mii just after investors reacted to the Q4 earnings report.

Danny Rice, with Canada Goosed

“I like to travel, and I mostly travel to super duper hot places. And in my travels throughout the Caribbean, the deserts and jungles of Africa, and the hot and humid RAIN FORESTS of the pacific rim, I’ve noticed that I don’t see many of my Canada Goosed logos around. That’s when I had a LIGHT BULB moment! We can sell our parkas over There!” – Danny Rice, President & CEO, Canada Goosed

2P News’s Yu Mii was on location in Jamaica asking locals if they would spend $1000 USD on a down-filled parka.

Jamaican local talking to 2P about Canada Goosed jackets

“Dem yah guys crazy? It 40 degrees here inna Jamaica mi nuh need a jacket mi just need sum more ganja. Yuh might si a canada goosed parka pan dem deh white people pan di beach but nuh pan mi! Hell no!! Blood claaat!”

According to the company, tropical climates are perfect for its winter parkas for at least the following reasons:

  1. Many people in the Caribbean countries range from being somewhat ample, to well-upholstered and in some extreme cases are described as aisle blockers. So by wearing down-filled parkas rated to -60C in +35C weather, subjects will experience major benefits from sweat-induced weight loss.
  2. In very humid and warm jungle climates, donning a Canada Goosed parka will allow for superior protection from the giant insects, snakes, and other little creatures that lurk in the rain forests.
  3. Wearing a luxury parka in temperatures above 30C for over 2 hours in the sun will cause the subject to suffer mild regenerative heat stroke affluenzosis. MRHSA impacts the part of the brain responsible for logical reasoning, which makes the subject forget how much he or she paid for the jacket.

Analysts are betting that expanding into these markets will backfire on Mr. Rice. But only time will tell how well this iconic Canadian company, and its traditionally high-performing stock, will fair selling its down-filled jackets in hot and humid climates.

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