CALGARY, Alberta – In 2017, the Calgary Stampede Midway brought yawn-seekers the gravity-disobeying Slingshot followed by the let me know when it’s finished Spin Out rotating claw in 2018. The Zipper? Pffft… whatever. The Wave Swinger? Swing and a big-time miss. The Polar Express? Oh, right, that’s a great ride for people who really love lame rides.
With somewhat lackluster thrill-inducing rides introduced over the past few years, Calgary Stampede’s Midway is looking to amp things up in 2019 with a brand-new ride that is as timely and relevant as it is exciting. Introducing the Trans-Pede Pipe Coaster!
“This politically-charged, NEB-inspired ride is sure to give most political pundits at least a half chub, even CBC’s and pro-environment columnist Chantal Hébert,” said Willie Stroker, spokesman for the Calgary Stampede Midway, to the press yesterday morning.
He continued, “It will hit home with pro-pipeline folks in the Alberta and Sask just as it will visitors from BC and the East who believe Alberta oil is this mysterious dirty, dangerous liquid, whose production adversely impacts the health of people and the environment, is bad news for our country, and the planet, yet is perfectly acceptable to heat their homes and fuel their big SUVs! It has something for everyone! “
According to the Midway’s website, the new ride is modelled after the notorious Trans Mountain Pipeline expansion and tries to stay as true to its history as possible. Here is what thrill-seekers can expect when the get on the new Trans-Pede Pipe Coaster.
- Shortly after riders are strapped into the 3-car coaster, they are passed through a series of nozzles that soak them in 28 API crude oil for that authentic ‘pipeline’ feel.
- The coaster’s path is very tortuous with many ups and down, but it really never moves very fast.
- The ride stops at seemingly random intervals when its safety permit is pulled, before restarting again upon reapproval.
- The scariest part of the ride is when it goes through a crowd of angry protesters who try to hit riders with placards and some very salty language.
- The ride is operated by Jason Kenney’s teenaged son, who has full authority to ‘amp things up’ if he suspects the granola quotient of the group of riders is quite high.
2P News lifestyle reporter, Yu Mii, spoke to a long-time Calgary Stampede Midway visitor along Stephen Avenue for his thoughts on the new ride.
“I’ve been attending the Midway here for over 30 years and I don’t think I’ve ever been as excited about any ride than this one. I work in the oil patch, and I want anti-oil activists to know that riding through a pipeline is not really that bad and the sense of accomplishment you’ll feel is great by actually doing something productive other than just sitting there complaining.”
The Stampede does warn visitors, however, that due to the start-and-stop nature of the Trans-Pede Pipe Coaster, each ride could upwards of 4 to 5 hours. It also cautions riders that although computer simulation models did not predict any oil spills on the ride, these events certainly are theoretically possible – just like climate change.