Movie Review: PNG Hypocritters: Payback is a biotch, y’all!

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  • “This movie is so bad, it’s actually good. 5 stars bad good, in fact.” – Geoff Myslir, OxCow Tribune
  • “How did this film not go straight to BetaMax!” – Alexa Reenturd, RRRO Newsletter
  • “I expect this movie to do well in Canada only because marijuana is legal there.” – Rhomas Pickletin, Springbank Gazette

The Bottom Line
Brought to you by a Calgary-based startup film studio aptly called Still Not Working Pictures, PNG Hypocritters – Payback is a biotch, y’all! tastefully and comedically turns the table on unsuspecting anti-oil, anti-frac, and anti-pipeline protesters who have an insatiable appetite for petroleum-based products. Circling the toilet bowl of 1950s creature classics and Kevin Bacon’s 1990s Tremors, this studio’s motion picture debut should be used to teach, “How not to make a film” when you consider its sub-par production and acting, which are actually a joy to behold after you’ve smoked a ¼ ounce cannon.

Director-Screenwriter
LaShawn Jackson, P.Eng.

Cast
Kevin Hart, Larry the Cable Guy, Leonardo DiCapitatrio, Demi “Gimme” Moore, and a CGI version of the late Gary Coleman

PNG Hypocritters – Payback is a biotch, y’all! is at its core a portrayal of the hypocrisy surrounding those who bitch about the perils of oil and gas production, pipelines, and global warming, as they simultaneously consume copious units of energy and all sorts of products derived from the very products they oppose. In this film, a team of uncanny petro-hero-scientists are central to the creation of a microbial additive that, once injected into an oil reservoir, modifies the petroleum and natural gas such that it becomes PNG hypocrite-phobic. This gives rise to any products derived from PNG resources to immediately stop working, and in some cases completely disappear, while being enjoyed by PNG hypocrites. The results: loads of laugh-worthy scenes that leave the activists hanging, sometimes literally. But just when the hypocrites think it’s all over and they’ve changed their hypocritical ways, things turn scarier than Justin Trudeau approaching a podium. Cue the PNG hypocritters and the ensuing carnage. Ohhh, yeah, baby!

Director LaShawn Jackson, an unemployed production engineer whose past life saw him at the once well-respected PeopleMinus Corporation, cooked up the idea to make this film while bending elbows with a number of fellow unemployed oil and gas professionals at a local pub. LaShawn had zero cash, mounting debt, and his credit score was going down like Miley Cyrus at a frat party. So, he convinced his buddies to join him on a crusade to stick it to those who had a hand in him losing his job, and at the same time make some cash. They were all in there like swimwear. Enough about LaShawn, let’s get to the movie review.

I’ll admit, I’ve been dreading the thought of trying to explain the plot of this movie – even in broad, simple terms. I sincerely had anxiety dreams over the past few nights about this moment. Imagine being strapped down, ears propped open, and forced to listen to 8 straight hours of Justin Trudeau answering simple yes/no questions, and then trying to paraphrase his responses coherently (kill me now). Okay, here we go:

Movie-goers at Crowankle Cinemas, who reacted to mistakingly hearing that the movie had a cameo appearance by Justin “JT” Trudeau.

In the opening sequence, we have Andy Dinksaucer (played by Leonardo DiCapitatrio) relaxing poolside, sipping on a dirty martini, on the 3,300 square foot penthouse patio of his exquisite $18M condo in a posh neighbourhood on Vancouver’s upscale upper west-side. As he contemplates the severity of the warm winds of Calgary that are caused by pipeline development, eerily ominous music is heard as a crack forms near his helipad. Before he has time to pollute the air by lighting his next cigar, the 77-storey building collapses killing Andy within nanoseconds.

As the rescue operations start to pull bodies and survivors from the pile of fiery rubble, the director of rescue operations Barry Yokel (played by Larry the Cable Guy), notices that all of the dead bodies and those seriously injured were wearing Birkenstock sandals, flowy skirts, tie-dye tunics, headbands, with every man sporting a man-bun, beard, and plaid shirt – many were card carrying members of PETA, Green Peace, Friends of the Earth, yet had bus passes, or drove vehicles powered by fossil fuels. Whereas those who were unscathed in the collapse looked like normal hard-working people who respected the oil and gas industry and all that it provides for the Canadian economy and ease of life throughout the world.

Barry Yokel falls in love with a vintage hipster, Sunshine Fairweather (played by an aging Demi Moore), who he saved from the collapsed building and they start a romance. But to be honest, I’ve had mosquito bites that were more passionate than the exchanges that these two share throughout the film.

A detailed forensic investigation of the collapse by the RCMP reveals that tiny carbon-based microorganisms were at fault. And that’s when the chief investigator, Ricky Browner (played by Kevin Hart) takes over hitting you with his typical and very predictable unfunny antics.

It is at this point of the movie when I must have fallen asleep after consuming two 420g bags of Doritos because all I can remember is waking up to these massive worm-like critters (its boss monster played by breathtaking CGI imagery of late Gary Coleman that would put Disney’s 2019 Lion King to shame) eating the hypocrites and befriending PNG supporters.

At the end of the day, this movie could have easily turned out much worse, but only via the addition of a Donald Trump cameo, or an accident in which all of the actors caught on fire.

2P News gives this movie 4.5 out of 5 pints only because every minute spent watching it, is a minute not spent listening to Justin “Pretty Pony” Trudeau mumble this… uhhr… ummm… or… that…. about…uhh…. this… or… that…. other… errrr… ummm… errr… thing.

notrix4

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