TORONTO, Ontario – This morning the University of Eastern Ontario (Eastern) announced the complete and total overhaul of its Earth Science and Geological curriculum, as well as the removal of all Economic Geology courses and programs.
The new curriculum will focus on the scientific explanation of the modern climate change crisis, its correlation to the ancient facies studied for generations, and how previous forms of life on Earth have solved and dealt with similar emergencies. Closely linked to their Astrophysics, Atmospheric, and Art programs, the new Acclimated Geology program will indoctrinate students into the world of Animate Global Warming (AGW, peviously termed Anthropogenic Global Warming).
“The new term, Animate Global Warming, more readily defines all iterations of climate change disasters CAUSED by animate, or living, specimens. We now understand that all periods of warming and cooling seen in the geological and ice core record must have been cause by animate specimens altering their environment through some fault of their own, and inevitably leading to their demise. Our new curriculum reflects our interpretation of GEOLOGICAL DEPOSITIONal facies and more readily aligns itself with outdated correlations of the modern and the ancient.” – Glenda Goodstone Garettie, Ph.D. Filing and Shelf MANAGEMENT
The 2020/2021 term in the new Acclimated Geology program will introduce 5 new full term courses all students must not only pass, but agree with wholeheartedly, to attain full credit towards their degree.
- Geology 213: Fact or Fiction? Is geological interpretation a valid science, or do hikers with rock hammers just make shit up? Geology 213 delves into the harsh reality that geological interpretation is a collection of make believe stories and theories without taking a hard look at any real evidence. Given the lack of actual observation of these supposed historical geological processes, this course teaches students to challenge accepted knowledge and become skeptical of everything we think about the Earth.
- Terra-forming 209: Atlantis, The Lost Killers. This course tracks the little known history of the Lost City of Atlantis, and how Atlaneans likely went extinct due to their carbon emissions and lack of respect for the Earth. Evidence gleaned from tens of Hollywood films and several New York Times best selling novels guide you through what can only be interpreted as a guidebook to previous Animate Global Warming.
- Facies Models 201: Not Just A Day at The Beach: Over millions of years, there is evidence of Earth warming and then cooling. As modern Climate Scientists will tell you, there is no natural way for the Earth to do this outside of serious interference. FM 201 is taught by none other than Eddie P. Bumm, famed extra-solar blogger and UFO theorist. Mr. P. Bumm has speculated that cycles of climate change in Earth’s past were actually climate alterations caused directly by extraterrestrial beings conditioning the Earth for either beach days or skiing. This course is not backed up by evidence as such, but now that Marijuana is legal, it could be quite interesting.
- Igneous Petrology 234: Crystallography and geochemistry give way to the ethereal and spiritual in this advanced redefinition of modern igneous studies. Igneous rocks are crystals at heart, and these crystals are the lifeblood of Gaia The Earth Mother. IP 243 studies the ways in which we can worship these rocks without mining or economic development, and instead glean a closer look into our own dead souls.
- Political Geology 324: This 3rd year course is intended to prepare students for the practical use and future interpretation of their chosen field. In PG 324, students learn to explain their discipline in a way that will garner more funding through tactics like populism and fear mongering. In addition, they will learn how to approach all interpretation through a political lens, to avoid any conflict between social media and the truth.
2P News will follow the new program closely, as we are sure most professional associations will, to see if the next crop of Rock Sniffers get real jobs, or stand up and scream from a Soap Box.