CANADA, North America – The Associated Press is reporting that Canada is currently comatose in an area hospital while it recovers from a weekend-long bender. According to Greenland, who could hear the partying from across the Baffin Bay, Canada was completely out of control partying it up with pals America, Mexico, and out of continent acquaintance, Britain. America went on the record to say,
“So Canada called me up and asked if I’d come hang at his birthday party. He said he’s got some top-shelf BC bud, some of the best craft-brewed beers around, and some of the hottest babes in the Northern Hemisphere. With my President asleep at the wheel, I figured why not.
Despite being asked to not bring anything, I brought a few flats of tasteless and very weak Budweiser.” – America
Britain was the first casualty of the evening, since it didn’t make it past 10:30 pm. Witnesses reported hearing Britain having sex with America’s red-headed step sister Alaska. Earlier in the night, the unnamed witness recalls hearing Britain scream while climaxing (in a heavy British accent), “Pardon me, but I think that I am about to arrive… Oh jolly, that’s right, I am about to arrive. I am arriving, I AM ARRIVING! Heavens to Murgatroyd, I have finally arrived. That was smashing, my dear, how about another go after some tea and crumpets?”
The party really took a turn for the worse after Mexico crashed the party with fishbowl-sized margaritas, tequila, and shot glasses. It was after a few rounds of tequila pong and margarita flippy cup that Canada lost control of all of its faculties.
“Hey Amuurica, *hiccup* … you are looking *hiccup* pretty good tonight… you’ve been messin’ with Canada for some time *burp* now, and it’s time for me to *hiccup* pay you back… you crazy country… *hiccup, BURP!!*.
Why don’t you *buurrrrp* roll on over… and I’ll show you what the Northern Gateway pipeline and fracking *hiccup* is really all about.” – Canada on its birthday
Rumour has it that Canada exported its goods to the United States of America, as depicted in the image below, shortly before passing out.
After repeated fruitless attempts to awake Canada, the country was rushed to hospital where it now awaits consciousness. The citizens of Canada, who are accustomed to brain dead politicians and leaders, were apparently unaware that Canada was completely out cold.