CALGARY, Alberta – In a landmark 20-year study, the Canadian Institute of Corpulence in Rotund, Manitoba revealed that well-upholstered geologists performed their tasks marginally better than underweight ones, after making statistical corrections for age, experience and IQ.
The lead consulting researcher for the study, the ever popular Dr. Oz of television fame, is quoted as saying, “Correcting for IQ was the tough part since they’re all dumb as rocks, ha, ha, ha.”
When asked about the methodology employed to measure performance, he continued,
We devised a number of simple tests. First, we put a geologist in a closed room with a single door that had a sign on it that read ‘Push’. We told him to open the door and walk out of the room.
We timed how long it took him to figure out how to turn the doorknob and that you actually had to pull rather than push to open the door. Fat geologists did it in an average 1 hour 14 minutes and thin geologists did it in 1 hour 23 minutes. – Dr. Oz
According to the 420-page report, other test scenarios included one where geologists were shown a set of wooden blocks representing a circle, triangle, square, pentagram, and hexagram. Their task was to arrange them according to number of sides, in ascending order. Of course, the trick is that a circle has no sides. It took the fat geologists an average of 1 day 9 hours to figure this out and the thin geologists took 1 day 16 hours.
One of the researchers conducting the tests, who happened to be a professional engineer, argued that a circle has an infinite number of sides and that the test results should be omitted because its reasoning was ambiguous. But it took only 2 pints of the brand new Moosepeace Dark Nads lager to convince him otherwise.
Other tests of a similar nature produced the same range of results skewing in favour of geologists of the horizontally tall variety.
Finally, the test subjects were asked to name their favourite mineral. The space-time warping geologists consistently named ‘apatite’ while those who can do pushups under a door didn’t. “This has nothing to do with the study; we just thought it was funny,” remarked Dr. Oz.
In large part the study was underwritten by Moosepeace Beer and its brand new Dark Nads Lager. When asked if this presented a conflict of interest, Dr. Oz defended the study’s position by saying,
Oh hell no. Everybody up there drinks Moosepeace beer because Moosepeace is the national beer of Canada and it’s your patriotic duty to drink Moosepeace. It’s just that some people drink more Moosepeace than others drink Moosepeace. If you drink more Moosepeace you’ll get fat and perform better than people who drink less Moosepeace. Moosepeace tastes good and is good for you, in a relative sort of way.