CALGARY, Texas of the North – In an effort to improve its exploration well success rate, Calgary, Alberta-based Bendovus Energy recently hired Madam Olga Rasputin, the famous Astrologer to the Semi-Famous.
Madam Olga Rasputin. Creepy.
She will determine the optimum spud dates and times of day for all exploration wells drilled by Bendovus, much like doing a horoscope for people based on birth date. She is also an expert phrenologist and intends to use that skill to identify the best explorationists. However, in several test runs with company geologists she said she found too many soft spots and abnormal growths (including sub-dermal horns) on their skulls to make a meaningful interpretation.
A transcript from one of Madam Rasputin’s astrology assessments held in the basement of the company’s Beau Building was illegally recorded by an unnamed 2P News reporter and has been transcribed below:
MOR: Sooooo, Mr. Renamio, you say that you are a geologist, do you?
Geologist: Yes, I am a highly qualified exploration geologist who is well paid.
MOR: Gooooood, good, good. You made it from your home to the office this morning, and for you, that was quite a challenge to over come. Goooood, gooood, good. I don’t seem to sense much when I pass my hand over your forehead. I typically can feel an energy, an energy that implies a knowledge of where to find oil. Are you there, Mr. Renamio, are you there? [Yes] Gooooood, gooood, good.
At that point in the assessment, the Dictaphone’s battery ran out and we have no knowledge of how it ended.
Ms. Rasputin’s credentials include a stint with the U. S. Federal Reserve Bank in New York, piloting a nuclear-powered glider from Moscow to Beijing and serving in the Russian KGB, rising to the rank of colonel. She received a degree in Belligerence and Clandestine Operations from Leningrad Polytechnik and a masters in International Destabilization from the Warsaw Institute of Criminal Ventures.
After finally realizing there’s no money in true communism, she defected to the U. S. A. and began her study of astrology. As a trained agent provocateur she was a natural.
Bendovus’s Manager of Exploration, Truss Dartboard, said,
We’re counting on not only a huge increase in production, but also a reliable prediction of reserves. I fully expect Madam Olga’s reserve predictions to be far more accurate than the random numbers those dipshit reservoir engineers come up with. After I threw away their dartboard, they seem to rely on homeopathic quantum psychokinesis and everybody knows that doesn’t work. – Truss Dartboard, manager
When asked what brought on this new direction for the company, Mr. Dartboard continued,
Truss Dartboard. (he asked us to use this selfie)
It’s the result of our experience with replacing the chemical treatments supplied by the PetroHeavi division of Fakit Huge. Our newly created Alchemy Department came up with concoctions that were far cheaper and more effective. It was remarkable and this success led us to explore other ‘non-traditional’ methodologies. We also tried reading goat entrails but that got us in trouble with the animal rights people.
There have been failures, though. Mr. Dartboard also noted that Bendovus had previously used a feng shui consultant to design drill sites with proper alignments but this resulted in no discernible improvement in success rates. It turned out that too many Bendovus employees are bipolar and that messes up the yang and yin right up the yingyang. A similar venture by competitor Cheaterson Energy venture was the adoption of psychic television marvel Theresa Caputo failed miserably and was ultimately deemed to be as bad of an investment as seismic. If Bendovus gamble works as planned, it could also be a huge step forward for community relation between the lovey dovey GreenPeace Sierra Club crowd and the oil and gas industry, as 98% of their membership the makes use of, or earns a living in the astrology industry.
During my quest for oil in the overseas territories – sorry to keep banging on about these adventures – I actually had the chance to work productively with Madame Olga as she preferred to be refered to in those days on the chilly wind swept Russian steppes.
Obviously she was more sprightly in those days and had a complete set of porcielin white nashers.
I found madame to be a fair but firm astrologer who would not tolerate any criticism or argument contrary to her firmly held beliefs and would chastise you with her birch switch – apologies I appear to have gone “off message”
her firmly held beliefs –
1. Science & Geology has “NEIT” (banging Jimmy Choo High Heels on table) part to play in the complicated processes of the determination of location and recovery of the sticky stuff.
Divining Rods Only are to be used.
2. Russian oils are superior to all other oils & should be applied liberally to all corpses of your loved ones for preservational purposes while enemies can be given the bog standard two stage cement job.
Do not forget too put that radioactive marker tag in their cup of High Tea – I mean sample.
Pallonium Ballonium gives best results but does tend to disperse quickly over large Metropolitan cities where our oligarchs prefer to reside and you may end up shooting yourself in the foot.
3. Always “Read the Runes” Olga stubbornly insisted as we tucked into bitter sweet wild berries with her good friend
“The Witch Smeller Pursysant” outside her former residence Camp X – also known as the AstroloDome.
It is all written in the ancient tongues the location of the “special places” where the chemical elements combine to provide The Energy.
4. Never underestimate Crop Circles as a superior method to zone in on The Energy as the concentric circles always intersect the nexus point for rig placement.
I refer you to the great success & triumph I had in England on that illustrious stage as she threw back her head with a crow like cackle.
There are many examples of Unconventional Technologies used to improve the possibility of success in the extraction of oil and is it our remit to criticise the methodologies.
How many times have you heard of a multi well platform placement that was sunk in the wrong place by a country mile and prove to exceed original expectations. name that country.
In the more jungly areas of Asia local bomohs and dugans insist that a water buffalo is slaughtered on the drill floor to ensure a successful outcome.
Often to rub the message home to the sceptical drill crew we were expected by these druids to spud drill thru the severed head of the buffalo for increased effect.
As you can imagine it was not a pretty sight but it did get our attention.
The Deep Water Horizon – Maconda Well was doomed from the start when it was named after the tragic village in the most famous book in South American literature.
Read about the Airport Societies in Micro & Macronesia PNG where Westerners assumed that the locals hired to assist constructing mining bush airports fully understood the objective of the project.
When the Westerners departed mini wooden versions of airports complete with guidance towers popped up all over the jungle.
The logic of the natives was that if we build one of these the gods will bring stuff.
Also lets not be to tough on the Ruskies because after all they are the only ones who have the powerfull rockets to launch most of the larger components of the ISS & they still have some very impressive heavy engineering even though it is painted torquiose,
Tough on the issues but not on the people.
best regards
hacking hewingham
purveyor of carefully crafted oil patch international satire
I was going to recommend a cosmetic dentist for Madam Olga, but it wouldn’t make any difference.
re Madame Olga – Astrolger Extroidinaire
During my quest for oil in the overseas territories – sorry to keep banging on about these adventures – I actually had the chance to work productively with Madame Olga as she preferred to be refered to in those days on the chilly wind swept Russian steppes.
Obviously she was more sprightly in those days and had a complete set of porcielin white nashers.
I found madame to be a fair but firm astrologer who would not tolerate any criticism or argument contrary to her firmly held beliefs and would chastise you with her birch switch – apologies I appear to have gone “off message”
her firmly held beliefs –
1. Science & Geology has “NEIT” (banging Jimmy Choo High Heels on table) part to play in the complicated processes of the determination of location and recovery of the sticky stuff.
Divining Rods Only are to be used.
2. Russian oils are superior to all other oils & should be applied liberally to all corpses of your loved ones for preservational purposes while enemies can be given the bog standard two stage cement job.
Do not forget too put that radioactive marker tag in their cup of High Tea – I mean sample.
Pallonium Ballonium gives best results but does tend to disperse quickly over large Metropolitan cities where our oligarchs prefer to reside and you may end up shooting yourself in the foot.
3. Always “Read the Runes” Olga stubbornly insisted as we tucked into bitter sweet wild berries with her good friend
“The Witch Smeller Pursysant” outside her former residence Camp X – also known as the AstroloDome.
It is all written in the ancient tongues the location of the “special places” where the chemical elements combine to provide The Energy.
4. Never underestimate Crop Circles as a superior method to zone in on The Energy as the concentric circles always intersect the nexus point for rig placement.
I refer you to the great success & triumph I had in England on that illustrious stage as she threw back her head with a crow like cackle.
There are many examples of Unconventional Technologies used to improve the possibility of success in the extraction of oil and is it our remit to criticise the methodologies.
How many times have you heard of a multi well platform placement that was sunk in the wrong place by a country mile and prove to exceed original expectations. name that country.
In the more jungly areas of Asia local bomohs and dugans insist that a water buffalo is slaughtered on the drill floor to ensure a successful outcome.
Often to rub the message home to the sceptical drill crew we were expected by these druids to spud drill thru the severed head of the buffalo for increased effect.
As you can imagine it was not a pretty sight but it did get our attention.
The Deep Water Horizon – Maconda Well was doomed from the start when it was named after the tragic village in the most famous book in South American literature.
Read about the Airport Societies in Micro & Macronesia PNG where Westerners assumed that the locals hired to assist constructing mining bush airports fully understood the objective of the project.
When the Westerners departed mini wooden versions of airports complete with guidance towers popped up all over the jungle.
The logic of the natives was that if we build one of these the gods will bring stuff.
Also lets not be to tough on the Ruskies because after all they are the only ones who have the powerfull rockets to launch most of the larger components of the ISS & they still have some very impressive heavy engineering even though it is painted torquiose,
Tough on the issues but not on the people.
best regards
hacking hewingham
purveyor of carefully crafted oil patch international satire