Calgary, Alberta — In a move that has left economists scratching their heads and oil patch veterans choking on their soy-based flat whites, Chinese e-commerce giant TEMU has announced the launch of a new subdivision: TEMU Petroleum. The company, best known for selling $3 bluetooth earbuds and suspiciously soft underwear, now plans to explore for and produce oil and gas across the Western Canadian Sedimentary Basin.
“Why stop at cheap socks and knockoff Apple Airpods?” asked TEMU spokesperson Winnie “Brenda” Chow at a press conference held inside a pop-up tent behind a Lethbridge 7-Eleven. “Canada has so much oil, and we figured we could sell it cheaper than anyone else. Plus, every barrel comes with free shipping if you order through our app.”
According to company literature, TEMU Petroleum’s drilling program will be entirely crowd-sourced. Customers who purchase more than $29 worth of products online will automatically earn “TemuPetroPoints” that can be redeemed to spud wells in Saskatchewan, frack a pad in Grande Prairie, or stake a mineral lease in Fort McMurray.
Industry insiders are baffled. “Normally it takes decades of geological expertise and billions in capital to explore for oil,” said Calgary oil analyst Brad McMurray, who was visibly sweating. “TEMU’s offering 2 wells for the price of 1, plus a coupon for a free rig mat if you leave a five-star review. This could, or dare I way, WILL, disrupt everything.”
The TEMU Petroleum App, expected to launch next quarter, will allow customers to:
- Swipe Left for LNG: Choose which coastal terminal gets your liquefied gas.
- Spin the Rig Wheel™: A game that randomly drills in either Red Deer, Medicine Hat, or your backyard.
- Add to Cart: One (1) fully operational drilling rig for $15.99, batteries not included.
Critics argue that the company’s aggressive expansion will devastate Canadian oilfield service companies. “TEMU already undercut my flashy sock business,” complained Lloyd Wainwright, a welder from Estevan. “Now they’re about to undercut my welding business too.”
Despite concerns, many Canadians seem excited. One Calgary resident reported that he already ordered a “Starter Oilfield Kit” off the app, which included 40 metres of casing, a free knockoff hardhat, and a gift certificate for bubble tea. “It all arrived in 3 days,” he said. “Amazon can’t even do that shit.”
Government officials are still reviewing the implications. When asked if Ottawa would allow a foreign e-commerce giant to dominate Canadian hydrocarbons, one federal minister shrugged. “If it lowers the price of gas and comes with free socks, who are we to say no?”
TEMU Petroleum has already revealed its first slogan:
How hot will competition become across the WCSB with this new entry into the oil and gas sector? Time will tell, and only 2P News will keep you in the loop.
