Can you guess which activity had the majority of the footage collected?
CALGARY, AB – In a bold move towards “transparency, accountability, and possibly viral TikTok content,” the City of Calgary launched a 3-month pilot program requiring firefighters to wear body cameras while on duty. The initiative, which cost taxpayers roughly $1.2 million and a small sliver of their remaining trust in government budgeting, aimed to document daily fire hall operations and improve emergency response review protocols.
What officials didn’t expect was that the cameras would inadvertently uncover a scandalous, untold truth: Calgary firefighters spend the majority of their time not fighting fires, but instead staring at the ceiling while lying in bunk beds.
According to an official report released Tuesday, an in-depth review of over 4,000 hours of firefighter body cam footage revealed the following breakdown by percentage of content:
69%: Ceiling of firehouse sleeping quarters
11%: Washing the trucks with inexplicable sensual enthusiasm
5%: Cooking highly photogenic meals with Gordon Ramsay-level plating
5%: Getting cats out of trees, usually while muttering profanities
3%: Actual fire-related activity (mostly one industrial garbage bin blaze)
7%: Footage that could not be deciphered, not even with AI
“We expected action, heroism, and life-saving drama,” said Municipal Oversight Director Carol DeWitt at a press conference. “Instead, we got three months of what amounts to a Bob Ross livestream for ceiling tiles. Do you know how many times we heard the phrase, ‘Who’s cooking tonight?’ A lot. A damn lot.”
Jaw-dropping footage from body cam worn by Bowness Fire Station No. 15’s Battalion Chief Jeff “Backdraft” van Tinkle, showing exactly where taxpayer dollars are going.
One camera captured 47 straight minutes of a firefighter naming ceiling tiles after Star Wars characters during a slow Tuesday in April. Another unit’s footage was entirely blocked by a dish towel left hanging over the lens for three days.
The only actual fire footage—ten sweaty minutes of flames, panic, and mild overreaction—was from a blaze contained entirely within a metal industrial dumpster behind a vape shop in Forest Lawn. The culprit? A rogue raccoon and a pallet of expired Axe body spray cans.
Calgary Fire Department spokesperson, Captain Rick “Sparky” Ellison, defended the results.
“Sparky” Ellison, with CFD
“Look, the public thinks we just sit around waiting for fires. That’s not true. We also wait for lunch. And to be fair, that dumpster fire was very aggressive. Also, those cats aren’t going to get themselves down. And have you seen how shiny those trucks are?”
Despite the footage falling short of the action-packed sizzle reel the city had hoped for, the pilot project did yield one viral moment: Firefighter Dave “Big Spoon” Macintyre attempting to flambé bananas foster and accidentally setting off the kitchen sprinklers. The video has since been licensed to Netflix for a limited series titled “Station Flame: Kitchen Confidential.”
When asked if the program would continue full-time, the City replied that it is “considering switching to helmet cams for increased action angles and potentially better lighting.”
In the meantime, the Calgary Police Service is reportedly interested in borrowing the footage for their upcoming “Mattress Backs” ASMR YouTube channel.
