- Popular DNA testing site proves Jason Kenney is Justin Trudeau’s long-lost half brother
- Neglected from birth due to his girth, Jason “Cakes” Trudeau ousted from family at age 8
- Bitter ever since, Jason vowed to be a pain in his brother’s neck 30+ years down the road
OTTAWA, Ontario – Jason Kenney knows that every morning he could wake up to learn that he has a new sibling.
Over the past 2 weeks, he has gone from living as an only child to discovering through a DNA testing service that he is the half brother of the current Canadian Prime Minister (and chief rival, as some would put it), Justin Trudeau.
In a statement released Wednesday afternoon, the Prime Minister’s Office supports the results of the DNA test and admits that this shocking revelation could have detrimental impacts on the prime minister’s psyche and will very likely affect the way he prepares his hair every morning.
“Not only does Justin Trudeau learn that he is related to Jason Kenney by blood, but he also realizes that there is some blue in his blood which could significantly affect how he manages his office moving forward,” said the PMO’s spokesman Lindsay Ledouche. (Editor’s note: Lindsay is a man, not a woman. 2P News understands that all of the women in the PMO have been fired or reassigned to pinker roles in the Ministries of Home Ecology and Nursing, under strict orders from Justin Trudeau, who is a proud self-proclaimed ball-kicker.)
Binge drinking session in the garage of Kenney’s neighbour leads to idea
According to associates and fellow MLAs who partied with Jason Kenney early into the morning of May 11th, 2019, the Alberta Premier was dared by friends and passersby to register to the popular DNA testing site 47 & Me and submit a spit sample just for fun. When Premier Kenney belligerently refused, the partygoers waited until his body shut itself down after the 27th round of Flippy Cup in a neighbour’s garage. It was only then that they secured a sample of his saliva from one of the 548 solo cups that touched Jason’s lips that evening and mailed it in for analysis.
An eye-witness, who spoke to 2P News’ Rodecker Smith under conditions of strict anonymity, said that Jason was a wreck. “Jason really let himself go that night. He spent most of the night mumbling stuff about Horgan, pipelines, and donuts – it was pretty strange, even by Jay Kay’s own standards. He couldn’t be calmed down, so we just let him play Flippy Cup all by himself against an imaginary team of Notley look-a-likes dressed in orange until he fell down. I really felt for the guy,” anonymous partygoer.
Thanks to the keen eye of an analyst at 47 & Me
If it weren’t for the keen eye of the company’s chief DNA analyst, this connection may have been missed.
“Our sophisticated DNA machine learning algorithms automatically analyze each sample we receive against others in the system looking for matches that can be reported back to those who submit samples. In this case, we found that MR. Kenney’s DNA was a half match with Mr. Trudeau’s with the other half belonging to a burlesque dancer who was very popular in the 1970s – we are not allowed to publish her name. so this strongly suggests that Pierre Elliotte Trudeau might have been shufflin’ more than just his cabinet back in the days” – Dr. Peter North, 47 & Me chief Analyst
When asked to comment on these findings, prime minister Justin Trudeau responded in the most to-the-point and concise manner that he could:
“Errrrr…. ahhh… ummm… errr…. (crickets)… you know…. I don’t see… errrr… ummm… errrr…. ahhh… we will do… errr… what is best… for those who support abortions…. and those who don’t not… ahh… ummm.. support abortions… in true liberal… errr… umm… traditions… Canada… errr… (crickets)… Scheer sucks!”