EDMONTON, Alberta – By now we all know that former Calgary mayor, Naheed Nenshi, is vying for the top spot in the Alberta New Demoncratic Party. According to the three-term Calgary City boss, many people have said to him, “You need to come in and take over this party. You need to be the saviour of Alberta.” And it appears that he actually took all of that sarcasm to heart.
2P News political correspondent, Cynthia Redbush, sat down with the current frontrunner in this race yesterday over coffee to discuss his plans. Coming out of that interview we have the Top Ten changes that the former mayor plans to make if he gets elected to lead the party and then wins the next election.
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He will hire childhood TV show super star Barney the dinosaur to be his party mascot. If elected leader, and he wins an election and becomes premier of Alberta, then Barney will become the party mascot who will be allowed to sit in the house to distract the official opposition while they are talking.
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One day one, if elected, the party will be renamed to NDP MPB, which stands for the Nenshi Democratic Party Magic Purple Bus. The idea behind this name, and to use a big purple former yellow school bus for campaigning, is to appeal to Generation BB who will be eligible to vote in about 10 years.
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The official party colours will change to Nenshi Purple™ and Orange Crush.
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After converting all of the streetlights in Calgary to shine light in a Nenshi Purple™ hue (this pilot is 45% of the way completed), he will continue to brand the province by converting the streetlights in all major centres before taking the new lights to rural communities.
Naheed told Cynthia, “The idea behind converting all of the streetlights to my purple is that people flying over Alberta at night will know I rule the province and it will make some cool satellite imagery.
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Premier Nenshi will identify as a trans queen and change his pronoun to Their Royal Highness.
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“I suppose I’ll finally move out of my parents’ basement since I’ll need to move to Edmonton, right? Or can I WFH 12 months out of the year?”
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All cabbage and lettuce salads at all municipal functions in Edmonton and Calgary must be made from exclusively the purple variety.
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The women’s bathrooms in all Government of Alberta offices (along with all provincially-regulated companies registered in Alberta) will be fitted with complementary pregnancy tests and manpons. A pregnancy tests declare a positive result when an image of Nenshi brimming with his trademark crooked smile with a thumbs up appears on the device after 30 seconds. A negative result shows an image of Danielle Smith holding her abdomen.
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The interior walls of all secondary suites built in Alberta must be painted Nenshi Purple™. Homeowners in violation of this provincial by-law will be subject to a weekly fine until the situation has been rectified.
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And the number one thing that Naheed Nenshi will do if he is elected as leader of the Alberta NDP is to pay out-of-pocket to create 4.3 million “Vote Great! Vote Grape!” ball caps that will be distributed to every woman, man, and child across Alberta 6 months before the next general provincial election.
So there you have it. If you have any ideas on what else he might want to change, please add them to the comments.