Recent News
Canadian Oil Giants Plan Record-Breaking Retaliatory Well in Response to Trump’s Tariffs
CALGARY, AB – In a bold and unprecedented response to U.S. President Donald J. Trump’s sweeping tariffs levied on Canadian goods yesterday, a coalition of oil and gas companies has announced plans to drill what they are calling a “special retaliatory well” spanning the majority of Alberta and Saskatchewan.
The consortium, spearheaded by Calgary-based Bendovus Energy, includes Whitecrap Resources, PeopleMINUS Corporation, BARC Resources, Morning Wood Energy, and Coatex Energy Services. The industry leaders claim the well is not only an act...
A New Detail on Federal Environment Minister’s Green Energy Corridor Plan Revealed
OTTAWA, Ontario: Federal Environment Minister, Steven Guilbeault, has proclaimed he is not in favour of more oil and gas infrastructure across Canada, but rather a green energy corridor to supply the rest of Canada with Quebec, Ontario, and Manitoba’s hydropower. This Green Energy Corridor (GEP) is his dream, and while definitely a piece of a Trans-Canada Energy plan, it does miss the mark of inclusion - as in including all aspects of Canada's energy capability.
While researching information about this...
Calgary-area Landman Accidentally Solves Quantum Gravity Over Ribeye and Red Wine
Disassociated Press. Three-minute read, unless you are a geologist then you're looking at about 2 hours with help, and 3 hours without it.
Calgary, AB — In what physicists world-wide are calling "the most significant scientific breakthrough of the century," a mid-level landman from Alberta’s oil patch has single-handedly solved one of the longest-standing and most difficult problems in physics - to unify quantum mechanics and general relativity. Perhaps the most amazing part of this feat is that he did...
Canadian Hutterites Pledge to Save Canada’s Food Supply from Trump’s Tariffs
Request $200 Billion, Unlimited Diesel, and a Herd of Guard Moose
Ottawa, ON — As President Donald J. Trump prepares to slap a 25% tariff on everything coming out of Canada—including maple syrup, hockey sticks, and even those weird Ketchup chips—Canadian Hutterites have unveiled a bold plan to stick it to the Americans while feeding the nation:
A continent-spanning network of 1,500 hydroponic megadomes, each the size of a Costco parking lot, powered by pure Canadian stubbornness and just a little...
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Recent News
Ottawa leans on Alberta to bolster southern border in case of military invasion from the U.S.
OTTAWA—In a stunning response to recent rhetoric from U.S. President-elect Donald Trump, who hinted at “stronger measures that might involve the military” against Canada for its reluctance to become...
Dragline Logistics Announces Nationwide 100% Electric Freight System
EDMONTON, Alberta - In a bold move that could either revolutionize transportation or set us all back to the 1800s (minus the charm), an Edmonton-based startup has unveiled its...
Canada Post to team up with oil and gas industry to get back into the black
OTTAWA, Ontario - In a last ditch attempt to transform its financial woes into black (gold), Canada Post has unveiled a plan to ship bitumen through its regular postal...
Justin Trudeau Threatens 75% Tariff on U.S. Imports Unless Americans Stop Exporting “Cultural Trash” to Canada
Ottawa, Canada – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau held an emergency press conference today to announce an unprecedented ultimatum to the United States: either improve the quality of the...
5 things everybody should know about engineers, Part II
Back in February, 2014, 2P News published an article called 5 things everybody should know about engineers, which appeared to really strike a chord with readers because it was...
Alberta Premier Smith finds loophole in pending U.S. tariffs on oil exports
Edmonton, AB – November 8, 2024 - In what many are calling a historic "innovation" in international trade, Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has discovered a creative workaround to dodge...
Bazooka Rockets Dig Quick, Cheap Oil Wells
FT. MCMURRAY, Alberta – The newly incorporated Rocket Pulverized Ground (RPG) Company announced plans to offer a cheap, efficient method of drilling shallow oil wells. RPG purchased a cache...
University of Texas to Merge with Texas A&M
AUSTIN, Texas - Governor Prick Perry is forcing a merger of the two largest state university systems in Texas: the University of Texas (UT) and Texas Agricultural & Mechanical...
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New-age energy startup struggles with well identity
The Disassociated Press | 3 minute read
CALGARY, Alberta - A Nelson, BC oil and gas exploration company that drilled its first 5-well pad 3 months ago, is having a hard time getting them to produce at economical rates. In fact, the company has reported...
A geologist and his maps
CALGARY, Alberta - In the fading light of what was an amazing final oil boom, geologists in Alberta, specifically Calgary, are suffering. Long gone are the days when their intricate Crayola skills are admired and honored. Today, most of these scientific artworks are collecting...
Calgary-based geologist patents GeoThermals™
CALGARY, Alberta - Kristoph Iverson, graduated in 2001 with a geology degree, got a job at Encana, as most of his class did. Eventually he was repeatedly unemployed, divorced, lost his home, and ended up doing small mapping projects for food scraps behind Boston...
Bedtime Stories for Young Geologists
CALGARY, Alberta - In these troubled times, many young geologists are experiencing restless nights, worrying about the world, their health and their jobs. Here are a few fables to put their minds at ease and allow the touch of Morpheus to once again grace...
Single use plastic disposal can stop tectonic shift: Red Deer Start-Up Company
CALGARY, Alberta - The Government of Canada introduced the Single-Use Plastics Prohibition Regulations (SUPPR) some time ago in an effort to address pollution and meet its target of zero plastic waste by 2030. What does this mean for you? Well, I'm sure by now...
Ore Bodies Located with Bovinity Rays
EDMONTON, Alberta – A new methodology for locating subterranean ore bodies is taking Alberta mining districts by storm. Development of the method began with the observation that in certain circumstances a herd of cattle will align themselves in parallel formations. As the cattle move...
Geologists can perform basic arithmetic, study says: ‘We engineers are not the only sophisticated ones’
The peanut-shaped brain of a geologist is roughly the size of 2 or 3 medium sized chicken wings. It contains fewer than 1 thousand synapses, while the human brain contains over 100 billion.
A team of neuroscientists is asking what all those extra nerve cells...
Nuclear-Powered Brassiere Explodes During Seismic Survey
CALGARY, Alberta - Details of a horrible accident that occurred during a seismic survey in the Canadian Rockies near Banff came to light this morning. Ms. Gynica Buldycke was injured when a nuclear-powered brassiere she was wearing exploded. The bra was being used to...
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2P News Staff
Most Commented
Houston area man drills well in backyard, charges laid
HOUSTON, Texas - A Sugar Land, TX man and his neighbour are in police custody after the duo drilled an unauthorized gas well in the backyard of one of...
Geologist assaulted for teasing MWD staff
CALGARY, Alberta - A senior wellsite geologist has been hospitalized after a violent incident on a drilling rig in northern Alberta last night.
Ricky Rockerson was violently beaten to within...
Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons
CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the patterns required in CandyCrush and Tetris to oil and gas plays, has designed a new...
Crustal drilling project results in Volcano near Didsbury
RED DEER, Alberta - Central Alberta was thrust into chaos this morning when a deep test well may have instigated the first active volcano in Alberta's history. Deep Thrust...
Dear Andy: I love my job but hate my boss. What should I do?
Dear Andy:
My name is Douglas Froob. I have a serious and ongoing problem with my manager at the office. The guys is a complete goggle-banger. Talk to him for 5 minutes and anyone in their right mind is ready to push him down a flight of stairs. He's loud,...
New fracking technology safe for everyone
CALGARY, Alberta - A team of scientists and inventors may have discovered the be all and end all of the fracking debate.
After reading about a research study at CERN,...
Scientists invent a process to convert formation water into light oil
CALGARY, Alberta - In a remarkable scientific breakthrough, 2 scientists from the research labs at...
GeoPhone App used to record the seismology of love-making
CALGARY, Alberta - Junior geophysicist and sexual deviant, Dustin "boom boom" Weaver, has remarkably been...
Geologist finds a strong best fit through an amorphous cloud on poro-perm plot
CALGARY, Alberta - There is no question that geology is a subjective science that is...
No pipelines, no trains, just Ass
HARDISTY, Alberta - Pipelines leak. Got it. Trains derail. Got it. So what is the...
Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons
CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the...
HR department develops online survey to assess effectiveness of online surveys
CALGARY, Alberta - The Human Resources department of an intermediate oil and gas producer headquartered...
Former oil company executive relegated to greeter
CALGARY, Alberta -The ever growing price differential for bitumen continues to squeeze the netbacks for...
Reservoir engineer creates ‘Neg Pay’ map
HOUSTON, Texas (June 2012) - Johan Fabroni, an enigmatic junior reservoir engineer at Houston-based Drypool...
Aliens vs. Geophysicists – Vibratory Revenge: Movie Review
The Bottom Line
This geophyical, sci-fi revenge fantasy thriller fails to deliver on all fronts.
Director-Screenwriter
Francis Birch
Cast
Brad...
Anne Hydrite and Ray Tracing – A love story
Anne Hydrite first laid eyes on Ray Tracing at an oil and gas convention in...
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Back in the Day
Engineers. Love ’em or hate ’em, you likely gotta deal with ’em.
Engineers. If you live in Calgary, there is a good chance you are an engineer, you are married to an engineer, you work with an engineer, you know an engineer, you’ve spotted an engineer, you’ve heard of an engineer, or you’ve thought about murdering an engineer in cold blood...
Engineer rearranges contents of dishwasher to optimize dirty dish density
CALGARY, Alberta - After seeing his visiting mother-in-law load the dishwasher following a rather large Sunday afternoon family dinner, Anton McKnight, a Petrophysical Engineer with a Calgary-based consulting firm, took it upon himself to rearrange the contents of the dishwasher right beneath his MIL's nose.
So get this, she had...
Production tech goes for coffee on the way back from going for coffee
CALGARY, Alberta - On his way back from a 45 minute morning coffee run with 3 of his production engineering colleagues at Subterra Resources (using his favourite coffee cups), Peter Chekovski bumped into his regular coffee pals, who encouraged him to go for coffee again.
Well, I typically don't go...
