Open-pit oil and gas mining coming to Alberta by 2025 Q1
OTTAWA, Ontario – The Canadian oil and gas industry is notorious for its complex and costly techniques, requiring a PhD to understand and an even bigger wallet to execute. But that’s all about to change, thanks to Dig Up Resources Ltd, a Montreal-based startup that has figured out that oil and gas extraction doesn’t need to involve those pesky drills and high-tech rigs. Nope, all you need is a big enough shovel.
In what is being heralded as the most...
Engineers outraged as Federal Government passes Bill C-420
OTTAWA, Ontario - In a move that has left the engineering community speechless (quite literally), the Canadian government has passed the controversial "Word Quota" bill, limiting engineers to a strict 500-spoken-word daily allotment during working hours. The bill, officially titled Bill C-420: The Engineer Efficiency Act, aims to improve workplace productivity by curbing what lawmakers have referred to as "excessive engineering verbosity."
"Engineers are known for their brilliance, but let's be honest—they also tend to over-explain pretty much everything," said...
City of Calgary Implements Stringent Water Restrictions as Feeder Water Main Continues to Surprise...
CALGARY, Alberta, August 26, 2024 — In a shocking but perhaps no longer surprising twist, City of Calgary officials, under direction from leader Jyoki Gonyet, have announced a new round of stringent water restrictions as the Bearspaw Feeder Water Main, affectionately nicknamed "Calgary's Hydrated Nightmare," has yet again revealed more issues. These issues, of course, were found after yet another routine inspection that turned into an emergency crisis meeting.
City engineers have described the current state of the Bearspaw Water...
Rumours of Vice President Harris to be courting the most unexpected running mate materialize
SAN FRANCISCO, California - In an unprecedented move that has left political analysts scratching their heads and comedians rubbing their hands in glee, Vice President Kamala Harris announced today that action star and martial arts legend Chuck Norris will be her running mate in the 2024 presidential election.
The surprising decision came in response to the mounting tensions of the 2024 Presidential election race, with Harris’s campaign strategists apparently deciding that traditional methods of debate preparation and policy proposals were...
The profession that is most important to the success of the Oil and Gas industry across western Canada is:
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Top Ten Must Try Foods and Drinks at the 2024 Stampede of Calgary
CALGARY, Alberta - Every year the Stampede of Calgary draws visitors from all over the world. And every year there are new refreshments and snacks created to represent everything...
Calgary-startup has solution to the abandoned wells problem; Alberta’s oil and gas regulator is all ears
In Alberta, there are roughly 237,000 drilled wells that need to be abandoned and their leases remediated and reclaimed. About 80,000 of these wells are currently non-producing (referred to...
Alberta-developed CCR technology to avert planet earth’s next glaciation event
EDMONTON, Alberta - Roughly 700 million years ago, before multicellular animals emerged or plants made their way to land, Earth was plunged into an ice age that lasted for...
City of Calgary to implement insane economic recovery plan initiatives, says leaked memo
CALGARY, Alberta – A leaked memo from Calgary's city hall revealed a shocking economic plan early this morning that is leaving people bewildered. According to a source that asked...
Secret oil and gas well causes disaster
EDMONTON, ALBERTA – In a storage yard south of Edmonton, Alberta a disaster unfolded over the May long weekend. It started with a prank, became a project, and ended...
NHL inks puck deal with oil and gas service company for 2025/2026 season
TORONTO, The Centre of the Universe - According to the Disassociated Press, the National Hockey League has just signed a deal with Red Deer-based Bitu-Cubes and its wholly-owned subsidiary...
OilLee: Movie Review
The Bottom Line
Sponsored by Mooncor, Bendovus, Shall Energy, and FinnCrude, this is a masterful work of shit. Beyond hiring a know-nothing, talentless Mr. Rangloo to direct the film, the...
2P News to Offer Weight Loss Programs
CALGARY, Alberta – 2P News is proud to announce that we will be offering a variety of programs for readers who want or need to lose weight without resorting...
NDP to offer Canadian geologists full pension to retire
OTTAWA, Ontario - Early this morning, at a small video press conference with Premier Notley, the federal and Alberta provincial leaders were proposing ideas on how to get their way with oil and gas, the oilsands, and pipelines. One such idea seemed to get the...
Geologist who tested positive for COVID tries to fight fire with fire
GRAND PRAIRIE, Alberta - A Grovedale-area man who recently tested positive for COVID-19 decided to fight his COVID using COVID. The 61-year-old retired geologist, who is thoroughly exhausted with this protracted pandemic that led to his early retirement, figured how better to kill the...
Geologist Discovers What “The Gostak Distims the Doshes” Means
BREA, California - In 1923 C. K. Ogden and I. A. Richards wrote a book called The Meaning of Meaning. In it was a story about a man who travels to a distant, unfamiliar place and repeatedly hears the inhabitants use the phrase “the...
University of Eastern Ontario Modernizes Geology and Earth Science Program
TORONTO, Ontario - This morning the University of Eastern Ontario (Eastern) announced the complete and total overhaul of its Earth Science and Geological curriculum, as well as the removal of all Economic Geology courses and programs.
The new curriculum will focus on the scientific explanation...
Panriver Petroleum to Employ up to 1200 Geologists
CALGARY, Alberta - As of November 1st, 2021 a new exploration program developed by Panriver Petroleum Ltd has been approved by the AER, and will employ up to 1200 geologists and geoscientists by July 2022.
Panriver Petroleum has mapped and initiated the trial phase of...
SmartDart™: New Oil & Gas Exploration Tool
CALGARY, Alberta – A newly formed company, Random Eyes LLC, based in Houston has announced a product that it claims will revolutionize exploration for oil and gas. It is well known that geologists employ pub darts thrown at a map to determine most drilling...
Calgary-based geologist patents GeoThermals™
CALGARY, Alberta - Kristoph Iverson, graduated in 2001 with a geology degree, got a job at Encana, as most of his class did. Eventually he was repeatedly unemployed, divorced, lost his home, and ended up doing small mapping projects for food scraps behind Boston...
BREAKING NEWS: Geophysicist Bre-X’d after 3 dry wells
CALGARY, Alberta - Breaking news this Monday morning here in Oil City. A tragic death over the weekend has now been reclassified from an accident to a potential hate-related homicide.
Tom Echoman, a geophysicist with Gravitywerks Resources, fell to his death Sunday evening at the...
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2P News Staff
Most Commented
Houston area man drills well in backyard, charges laid
HOUSTON, Texas - A Sugar Land, TX man and his neighbour are in police custody after the duo drilled an unauthorized gas well in the backyard of one of...
Geologist assaulted for teasing MWD staff
CALGARY, Alberta - A senior wellsite geologist has been hospitalized after a violent incident on a drilling rig in northern Alberta last night.
Ricky Rockerson was violently beaten to within...
Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons
CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the patterns required in CandyCrush and Tetris to oil and gas plays, has designed a new...
Crustal drilling project results in Volcano near Didsbury
RED DEER, Alberta - Central Alberta was thrust into chaos this morning when a deep test well may have instigated the first active volcano in Alberta's history. Deep Thrust...
Dear Andy: How can my company survive at sub $50 oil?
Dear Andy:
"My name is Pablo. I'm the President of a privately held junior oil and gas operator based out of Houston, Texas and I gotta tell ya, these low oil prices are killing us. I've tried everything under the sun to reduce costs, including hiring 'cost reduction consultants,' but we're still bleeding cash left, right,...
Keystoned Pipeline approved amid controversy
NELSON, British Columbia - In a first-of-a-kind landmark agreement, the Province of British Columbia and the State of California have ratified an agreement to build a 2,300 km pipeline...
Scientists invent a process to convert formation water into light oil
CALGARY, Alberta - In a remarkable scientific breakthrough, 2 scientists from the research labs at...
GeoPhone App used to record the seismology of love-making
CALGARY, Alberta - Junior geophysicist and sexual deviant, Dustin "boom boom" Weaver, has remarkably been...
Geologist finds a strong best fit through an amorphous cloud on poro-perm plot
CALGARY, Alberta - There is no question that geology is a subjective science that is...
No pipelines, no trains, just Ass
HARDISTY, Alberta - Pipelines leak. Got it. Trains derail. Got it. So what is the...
Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons
CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the...
HR department develops online survey to assess effectiveness of online surveys
CALGARY, Alberta - The Human Resources department of an intermediate oil and gas producer headquartered...
Former oil company executive relegated to greeter
CALGARY, Alberta -The ever growing price differential for bitumen continues to squeeze the netbacks for...
Reservoir engineer creates ‘Neg Pay’ map
HOUSTON, Texas (June 2012) - Johan Fabroni, an enigmatic junior reservoir engineer at Houston-based Drypool...
Aliens vs. Geophysicists – Vibratory Revenge: Movie Review
The Bottom Line
This geophyical, sci-fi revenge fantasy thriller fails to deliver on all fronts.
Director-Screenwriter
Francis Birch
Cast
Brad...
Anne Hydrite and Ray Tracing – A love story
Anne Hydrite first laid eyes on Ray Tracing at an oil and gas convention in...
Back in the Day
Engineers. Love ’em or hate ’em, you likely gotta deal with ’em.
Engineers. If you live in Calgary, there is a good chance you are an engineer, you are married to an engineer, you work with an engineer, you know an engineer, you’ve spotted an engineer, you’ve heard of an engineer, or you’ve thought about murdering an engineer in cold blood...
Engineer rearranges contents of dishwasher to optimize dirty dish density
CALGARY, Alberta - After seeing his visiting mother-in-law load the dishwasher following a rather large Sunday afternoon family dinner, Anton McKnight, a Petrophysical Engineer with a Calgary-based consulting firm, took it upon himself to rearrange the contents of the dishwasher right beneath his MIL's nose.
So get this, she had...
Production tech goes for coffee on the way back from going for coffee
CALGARY, Alberta - On his way back from a 45 minute morning coffee run with 3 of his production engineering colleagues at Subterra Resources (using his favourite coffee cups), Peter Chekovski bumped into his regular coffee pals, who encouraged him to go for coffee again.
Well, I typically don't go...
