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Province Says Emotional Connection to Oil Expected to Close Deficit by ‘Feeling Q4 Differently’

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EDMONTON, Alberta - Facing a stubborn multi-billion-dollar deficit, the Government of Alberta unveiled a bold fiscal recovery plan Tuesday: developing a deeper emotional connection to oil. The strategy, titled Hydrocarbon With Feelings: Budgeting From the Heart, was introduced as officials confirmed this year’s shortfall was “numerically real but spiritually misaligned.” “Previous budgets relied too heavily on math,” said Alberta's Minister of Energy, Bryan Bean, standing before a PowerPoint slide that simply read VIBES (2026). “Next year’s budget will be much stronger...

Alberta program promises to deliver emissions reduction pathway for committed environmentalists after they die

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CALGARY — In what officials describe as a “post-mortem emissions-reduction pathway for committed environmentalists,” the Calgary Center for Creative Cremation (CCCC) confirmed Monday that it will begin offering Alberta’s first activist-focused cement integration service in Q2 2026, in partnership with Alberta Aggregates. The program is explicitly designed for environmental activists who wish to continue reducing emissions after death, by having their cremated remains incorporated into engineered cement blends used for well abandonment and environmental remediation projects across the province. “For many...

Calgary City Council Announces New Public Transit Programs for Q1 2026

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CALGARY, Alberta - Calgary city council has announced a number of new public transit programs to be implemented early in 2026. These programs aim to improve transit user experience and reduce costs, with a goal to increase ridership within the city's network of light-rail transit trains. “There were dozens of ideas put forward at our internal strategy round table.  Of those we have selected the 10 best proposals we felt could be implemented without years of construction or consultations. The...

Engineers Ditch Corporate Life, Launch Calgary’s First Mobile Oil & Gas Consulting Food Truck

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CALGARY, AB — Proving once again that the oilpatch remains the beating heart of questionable innovation, two Calgary engineers have quit their corporate jobs to launch Frack n' Snack Engineering Solutions™, the city’s first mobile oil & gas consulting company operated entirely out of a repurposed 1998 GMC food truck that promises "fast, fresh, on-the-go technical expertise, while you wait." The founders, Cindy “Sidetrack” McKinnon, a drilling & completions engineer, and Felipe “P10” Morales, a reservoir engineer, say they’re “disrupting...

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EXCLUSIVE: ATA President Announces Plan to Hire Unemployed Oilfield Workers to Help Teachers Navigate Back-to-Work Chaos

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By Cynthia Redbush | 2P News – Education, Petroleum, and Paper Cuts Division EDMONTON, AB - Following their government-forced return to classrooms, Alberta teachers are adapting to new realities with an...

Top Ten Things Alberta Teachers Plan to Do If They’re Legislated Back to Work

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EDMONTON, Alberta - As contract talks between the Alberta Teachers’ Association and the province hit the “we’ll-legislate-you-back” stage of negotiations, educators across the province are already preparing their battle...

The Quantum Mechanics of Excel Clipboard’s 4.20 Picosecond Lifespan

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GENEVA, Switzerland - In a groundbreaking study published this week in the Journal of Computational Nonsense, researchers at the Federal University of Klingnau's department of Spreadsheet Physics have finally...

Calgary-Area Geologists Launch Class-Action Lawsuit over Bryan Adam’s “Rock Show”

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Over 1,700 Calgary-area geologists join the Class Action suit The group cites advertising the event as a "rock show" was grossly misleading Lawyers seeking punitive compensation for wasted...

Dear Andy: I’m a 27 year old petroleum geologist looking to switch careers. What should I do?

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Dear Andy, "I’m a 27-year-old petroleum geologist and I want out. The oilfield has drained me dry—literally. Every well I’ve touched in the last 3 years has been dustier than...

Online Retail Giant Expands Into Canadian Oil & Gas, Offers Free Drilling With $29 Purchase

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Calgary, Alberta — In a move that has left economists scratching their heads and oil patch veterans choking on their soy-based flat whites, Chinese e-commerce giant TEMU has announced...

What Your Wife/Girlfriend is Really Saying

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As a public service to our mostly male readers, 2P News hesitantly presents a list of what females say versus what they really mean.  Pay attention.  It could save...

IT department implements new security measures, 27% of staff quit

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CALGARY, Alberta (AP) - Information Technology - a term that strikes fear in staff who work for the majority of oil and gas operators in downtown Calgary, if not...

Weekend party could cost Calgary-area geologist and friends more than $240,000

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CALGARY, Alberta - A weekend party could cost a Calgary-area geologist and roughly 150 of her friends more than $240,000 after police laid charges against the group under the Reopening Alberta Act. All was relatively quiet in Calgary's East Village Monday, but that was certainly...

UN moves to ban geological studies worldwide

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"It is because of the study of geology that our dear earth is in shambles," UN chief Changes to take effect January 1st, 2020 NEW YORK, New York - This morning, Jurgen Dagnaut, Chancellor of the Scientific Review panel at the United Nations, announced...

Cultural Learnings of Geology for the Glorious Profession of Engineering

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Hello all, In this light-hearted Friday piece, Sir William Shortspeare (who is both an engineer and a geologist), put down on virtual paper some thoughts that he calls: Cultural Learnings of Geology for the Glorious Profession of Engineering. The list is in rough alphabetical order....

Geologist Confuses Border Officers

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BISMARCK, North Dakota - A geologist flying home from a geological field course was recently interrogated about the contents of his baggage.  While he declined to appear on the popular television show Border Security, he has released a transcript of the interaction to 2P...

AI decodes what oil and gas professionals really mean when they talk: Part 1

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EDMONTON, Alberta - AI chatbots, such as ChatGPT, are great fun, but they also have very practical uses. For example, it can create bespoke resumes, craft some pretty good jokes about geologists, explain complex topics, solve some pretty difficult math problems, and even provide...

Massive Asteroid to Strike Earth; Geologists Delighted

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PASADENA, Texas - The National Aeronautics and Space Administration held a press conference today warning of an imminent collision between Earth and a massive asteroid. According to a handout, the asteroid, dubbed BAR-2015a (Big-Ass Rock, first discovery of 2015), is now 7,040,000,000 cubits from...

Reservoir engineer creates ‘Neg Pay’ map

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HOUSTON, Texas (June 2012) - Johan Fabroni, an enigmatic junior reservoir engineer at Houston-based Drypool Resources, inadvertently stumbled across a potential new type of resource play while fooling around with geology as his geoscience team was away on a field trip. Johan had been...

5 Things everyone should know about geologists (Part II)

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<This article was originally published sometime in 2014, but after making some changes to it (based on feedback from some angry readers), it is being re-published today. Enjoy.> EVERYWHERE, Known Universe – The word geologist is derived from the modern Latin geologia, from Greek gē ‘earth’ + -logia, meaning the study...

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2P News Staff

Andy Killinger
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Antoine McGuillicuddy
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Cynthia Redbush
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Most Commented

Houston area man drills well in backyard, charges laid

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HOUSTON, Texas - A Sugar Land, TX man and his neighbour are in police custody after the duo drilled an unauthorized gas well in the backyard of one of...

Geologist assaulted for teasing MWD staff

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CALGARY, Alberta - A senior wellsite geologist has been hospitalized after a violent incident on a drilling rig in northern Alberta last night. Ricky Rockerson was violently beaten to within...

Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons

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CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the patterns required in CandyCrush and Tetris to oil and gas plays, has designed a new...

Crustal drilling project results in Volcano near Didsbury

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RED DEER, Alberta - Central Alberta was thrust into chaos this morning when a deep test well may have instigated the first active volcano in Alberta's history.  Deep Thrust...

Dear Andy: I’m looking for a job after just getting downsized, I need your help.

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Dear Andy: My name is Stevie B. I am a junior production engineer who recently got turfed from Best West Exploration. It seems that the market is flooded with talented technical people looking for jobs in the oil and gas sector and I'm struggling pretty bad.  Do you have any...

Crude oil holds inaugural state of the industry press conference

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HOUSTON, Texas – In a very rare appearance on short notice at the Alamo Plaza in San Antonio, Texas, Crude Oil took the microphone to tell the North American oil and...

Scientists invent a process to convert formation water into light oil

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CALGARY, Alberta - In a remarkable scientific breakthrough, 2 scientists from the research labs at PetroGlobal Scientific Inc. have created and patented a process...

GeoPhone App used to record the seismology of love-making

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CALGARY, Alberta - Junior geophysicist and sexual deviant, Dustin "boom boom" Weaver, has remarkably been able to find rather strong correlations between various sexual...

Geologist finds a strong best fit through an amorphous cloud on poro-perm plot

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CALGARY, Alberta - There is no question that geology is a subjective science that is open to interpretation. But every now and again, a...

No pipelines, no trains, just Ass

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HARDISTY, Alberta - Pipelines leak.  Got it.  Trains derail.  Got it.  So what is the answer to the oil transportation woes of our continent? ...

Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons

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CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the patterns required in CandyCrush and Tetris to oil and...

HR department develops online survey to assess effectiveness of online surveys

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CALGARY, Alberta - The Human Resources department of an intermediate oil and gas producer headquartered in downtown Calgary recently developed and conducted an internal...

Former oil company executive relegated to greeter

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CALGARY, Alberta -The ever growing price differential for bitumen continues to squeeze the netbacks for oilsand producers in Northern Alberta, and Bendovus Energy is...

Reservoir engineer creates ‘Neg Pay’ map

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HOUSTON, Texas (June 2012) - Johan Fabroni, an enigmatic junior reservoir engineer at Houston-based Drypool Resources, inadvertently stumbled across a potential new type of...

Aliens vs. Geophysicists – Vibratory Revenge: Movie Review

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The Bottom Line This geophyical, sci-fi revenge fantasy thriller fails to deliver on all fronts. Director-Screenwriter Francis Birch Cast Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Reese Witherspoon Two white-collar...

Anne Hydrite and Ray Tracing – A love story

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Anne Hydrite first laid eyes on Ray Tracing at an oil and gas convention in Weyburn, Saskatchewan on a stormy night in the fall...

Back in the Day

Engineers. Love ’em or hate ’em, you likely gotta deal with ’em.

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Engineers. If you live in Calgary, there is a good chance you are an engineer, you are married to an engineer, you work with an engineer, you know an engineer, you’ve spotted an engineer, you’ve heard of an engineer, or you’ve thought about murdering an engineer in cold blood...

Engineer rearranges contents of dishwasher to optimize dirty dish density

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CALGARY, Alberta - After seeing his visiting mother-in-law load the dishwasher following a rather large Sunday afternoon family dinner, Anton McKnight, a Petrophysical Engineer with a Calgary-based consulting firm, took it upon himself to rearrange the contents of the dishwasher right beneath his MIL's nose. So get this, she had...

Production tech goes for coffee on the way back from going for coffee

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CALGARY, Alberta - On his way back from a 45 minute morning coffee run with 3 of his production engineering colleagues at Subterra Resources (using his favourite coffee cups), Peter Chekovski bumped into his regular coffee pals, who encouraged him to go for coffee again. Well, I typically don't go...

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