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Canadian Hutterites Pledge to Save Canada’s Food Supply from Trump’s Tariffs

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Request $200 Billion, Unlimited Diesel, and a Herd of Guard Moose Ottawa, ON — As President Donald J. Trump prepares to slap a 25% tariff on everything coming out of Canada—including maple syrup, hockey sticks, and even those weird Ketchup chips—Canadian Hutterites have unveiled a bold plan to stick it to the Americans while feeding the nation: A continent-spanning network of 1,500 hydroponic megadomes, each the size of a Costco parking lot, powered by pure Canadian stubbornness and just a little...

Ottawa leans on Alberta to bolster southern border in case of military invasion from...

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OTTAWA—In a stunning response to recent rhetoric from U.S. President-elect Donald Trump, who hinted at “stronger measures that might involve the military” against Canada for its reluctance to become the 51st state of the union, the Canadian government has enlisted the help of Alberta's oil and gas industry to help prepare Canada for an attack from the US. "We're Canadian, so we're not looking for trouble," said Alberta Premier Danielle Smith while sporting a custom maple-leaf lapel pin made from...

Dragline Logistics Announces Nationwide 100% Electric Freight System

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EDMONTON, Alberta - In a bold move that could either revolutionize transportation or set us all back to the 1800s (minus the charm), an Edmonton-based startup has unveiled its magnum opus: the dragline freight system. Think of a nationwide network using a system similar to and adaptable to current railways that is 100% electric, uses cables and not batteries or electrified rails. The first thought that comes to mind for may are above ground power cabling like an urban light-rail...

Canada Post to team up with oil and gas industry to get back into...

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OTTAWA, Ontario - In a last ditch attempt to transform its financial woes into black (gold), Canada Post has unveiled a plan to ship bitumen through its regular postal service. Yes, you read that correctly - soon, your grandma's birthday card might be rubbing elbows with solid petroleum cubes en route to bitumen processing facilities across the nation. The national postal service claims that this initiative will not only boost the crown corporation's bottom-line profitability, but also eliminate the...

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Justin Trudeau Threatens 75% Tariff on U.S. Imports Unless Americans Stop Exporting “Cultural Trash” to Canada

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Ottawa, Canada – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau held an emergency press conference today to announce an unprecedented ultimatum to the United States: either improve the quality of the...

5 things everybody should know about engineers, Part II

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Back in February, 2014, 2P News published an article called 5 things everybody should know about engineers, which appeared to really strike a chord with readers because it was...

Alberta Premier Smith finds loophole in pending U.S. tariffs on oil exports

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Edmonton, AB – November 8, 2024 - In what many are calling a historic "innovation" in international trade, Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has discovered a creative workaround to dodge...

2P News Stock Surges on Laugh Production Boom, Hiring Frenzy Expected

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Laughs-per-share up 145%, chortles and knee-slappers at all-time high Sombrero-tipping value over debt adjusted laugh flow up 71% year-over-year Top brass look to capitalize on unexpected comedy resurgence...

OmniCore Energy’s BeamStream™ technology to revolutionize oil and gas upstream, midstream, retail, and emissions sectors

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HOUSTON, TX — In an eagerly anticipated press conference this morning, Houston-based OmniTech Energy Services unveiled what it calls BeamSteam™, a technology straight out of Star Trek that promises...

Geologist Stirs Controversy with Revolutionary “Under-Superposition” Stratigraphy Theory

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CALGARY, Alberta - In a stunning twist to the field of geology, Dr. Hamilton Flipova, the chief geoscientist at the lesser-known Rock Bottom Institute located in Edmonton, Alberta, has...

Unemployed Petroleum Professionals Technical Conference coming to Calgary this summer!

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CALGARY, Alberta - The Canadian Society of Unemployed Petroleum Professionals (CSUPP) is hosting its inaugural Technical Conference & Exhibition this summer. The society, whose membership has steadily grown by...

OPHC meeting planned to decide the fate of oil industry

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MUNICH, Germany - A date has been set by the Organisation of Petroleum Hoarding Countries to decide the fate of the global oil and gas industry.  The December 28th meeting...

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Magnetic Monopoles Uncover Hidden Geologic Structures

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EAST MAGNETIC POLE, Poland – Every middle school science class includes experiments with bar magnets.  No matter how many times a bar magnet is cut in two, each fragment still has a north and a south pole, called a dipole.  Until now, a magnetic...

UN moves to ban geological studies worldwide

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"It is because of the study of geology that our dear earth is in shambles," UN chief Changes to take effect January 1st, 2020 NEW YORK, New York - This morning, Jurgen Dagnaut, Chancellor of the Scientific Review panel at the United Nations, announced...

Pegmatites Declared Noxious Rocks

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CALGARY, Alberta - In a surprise move during a press conference at the annual convention of the International Society of Geological Trivia (ISGT) in Calgary, it was declared that a class of igneous rocks known as pegmatites are noxious. Society president Philbert Todestuhl first had...

Bendovus Energy Introduces Upscale ‘Free Range’ Barrels

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The Disassociated Press - Calgary-based Bendovus Energy has expanded its petroleum portfolio with a more socially-friendly produced free-range version of its existing light and heavy crude oil varietals. Launching from its Running Rock refinery just outside of Stettler, Alberta in Q2 2020, the company expects...

Geologist Confuses Border Officers

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BISMARCK, North Dakota - A geologist flying home from a geological field course was recently interrogated about the contents of his baggage.  While he declined to appear on the popular television show Border Security, he has released a transcript of the interaction to 2P...

Massive Asteroid to Strike Earth; Geologists Delighted

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PASADENA, Texas - The National Aeronautics and Space Administration held a press conference today warning of an imminent collision between Earth and a massive asteroid. According to a handout, the asteroid, dubbed BAR-2015a (Big-Ass Rock, first discovery of 2015), is now 7,040,000,000 cubits from...

Geologists make startling discovery, CBC outraged with denial

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CALGARY, Alberta - There is a universal question that most people ask when they meet a geologist. What can you tell me about dinosaurs?  Although that question is specifically pale-ontological, geologists are still expected to answer it. A group of geologists with a fair understanding...

Saskatoon-based FizzBang H20 shakes up the energy industry

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RED DEER, Alberta – In a shocking twist that has left the Canadian energy sector fizzing with excitement, Regina-based beverage titan FizzBang H2O announced today that it has acquired a majority share in DeepThrust Energy's flagship carbon capture and storage (CCS) project in Saskatchewan....

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Most Commented

Houston area man drills well in backyard, charges laid

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HOUSTON, Texas - A Sugar Land, TX man and his neighbour are in police custody after the duo drilled an unauthorized gas well in the backyard of one of...

Geologist assaulted for teasing MWD staff

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CALGARY, Alberta - A senior wellsite geologist has been hospitalized after a violent incident on a drilling rig in northern Alberta last night. Ricky Rockerson was violently beaten to within...

Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons

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CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the patterns required in CandyCrush and Tetris to oil and gas plays, has designed a new...

Crustal drilling project results in Volcano near Didsbury

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RED DEER, Alberta - Central Alberta was thrust into chaos this morning when a deep test well may have instigated the first active volcano in Alberta's history.  Deep Thrust...

Dear Annie, I’m surrounded by idiots at work, what can I do?

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Dear Annie: My name is Candi.  I am an engineer working for a design and integrity firm in Calgary. I work with a large number of men and they always do the dumbest things and make the worst mistakes.  If I call them on it, I will get harassed and...

Notley Government: We don’t need pipelines, OIL FLOATS!

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New petroleum transport mechanism will revolutionize the midstream industry. Concept has special interest eco-terrorists group members quaking in their hemp-laced Birkenstocks. EDMONTON, Alberta - Trans American Global Pipeline LLC...

Scientists invent a process to convert formation water into light oil

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CALGARY, Alberta - In a remarkable scientific breakthrough, 2 scientists from the research labs at...

GeoPhone App used to record the seismology of love-making

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CALGARY, Alberta - Junior geophysicist and sexual deviant, Dustin "boom boom" Weaver, has remarkably been...

Geologist finds a strong best fit through an amorphous cloud on poro-perm plot

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CALGARY, Alberta - There is no question that geology is a subjective science that is...

No pipelines, no trains, just Ass

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HARDISTY, Alberta - Pipelines leak.  Got it.  Trains derail.  Got it.  So what is the...

Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons

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CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the...

HR department develops online survey to assess effectiveness of online surveys

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CALGARY, Alberta - The Human Resources department of an intermediate oil and gas producer headquartered...

Former oil company executive relegated to greeter

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CALGARY, Alberta -The ever growing price differential for bitumen continues to squeeze the netbacks for...

Reservoir engineer creates ‘Neg Pay’ map

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HOUSTON, Texas (June 2012) - Johan Fabroni, an enigmatic junior reservoir engineer at Houston-based Drypool...

Aliens vs. Geophysicists – Vibratory Revenge: Movie Review

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The Bottom Line This geophyical, sci-fi revenge fantasy thriller fails to deliver on all fronts. Director-Screenwriter Francis Birch Cast Brad...

Anne Hydrite and Ray Tracing – A love story

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Anne Hydrite first laid eyes on Ray Tracing at an oil and gas convention in...

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Back in the Day

Engineers. Love ’em or hate ’em, you likely gotta deal with ’em.

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Engineers. If you live in Calgary, there is a good chance you are an engineer, you are married to an engineer, you work with an engineer, you know an engineer, you’ve spotted an engineer, you’ve heard of an engineer, or you’ve thought about murdering an engineer in cold blood...

Engineer rearranges contents of dishwasher to optimize dirty dish density

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CALGARY, Alberta - After seeing his visiting mother-in-law load the dishwasher following a rather large Sunday afternoon family dinner, Anton McKnight, a Petrophysical Engineer with a Calgary-based consulting firm, took it upon himself to rearrange the contents of the dishwasher right beneath his MIL's nose. So get this, she had...

Production tech goes for coffee on the way back from going for coffee

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CALGARY, Alberta - On his way back from a 45 minute morning coffee run with 3 of his production engineering colleagues at Subterra Resources (using his favourite coffee cups), Peter Chekovski bumped into his regular coffee pals, who encouraged him to go for coffee again. Well, I typically don't go...

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