Recent News
Justin Trudeau Threatens 75% Tariff on U.S. Imports Unless Americans Stop Exporting “Cultural Trash”...
Ottawa, Canada – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau held an emergency press conference today to announce an unprecedented ultimatum to the United States: either improve the quality of the goods and people being sent north of the border or face a whopping 75% tariff on all exports to Canada.
“We’ve had it, eh,” Trudeau began, uncharacteristically wearing a plaid shirt and sipping a Tim Hortons coffee for dramatic effect. “For years, we’ve tolerated low-quality imports from the U.S., from weak...
5 things everybody should know about engineers, Part II
Back in February, 2014, 2P News published an article called 5 things everybody should know about engineers, which appeared to really strike a chord with readers because it was a resounding success with over 11 visitors reading it. It is over ten years later, and we are now presenting to you part II, which will take us from points six through ten. Please enjoy and share this piece. Thank you.
Six
In every romantic relationship, engineers always bring a spreadsheet. No,...
Alberta Premier Smith finds loophole in pending U.S. tariffs on oil exports
Edmonton, AB – November 8, 2024 - In what many are calling a historic "innovation" in international trade, Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has discovered a creative workaround to dodge the impending tariffs that will be imposed by newly elected U.S. President Donald Trump in Q1 2025. Rather than sending Alberta oil through pipelines or rail—both subject to tariffs—Smith has announced an ambitious plan to float crude oil down the continent’s waterways, naturally drifting them south to U.S. refineries.
Smith, standing...
2P News Stock Surges on Laugh Production Boom, Hiring Frenzy Expected
Laughs-per-share up 145%, chortles and knee-slappers at all-time high
Sombrero-tipping value over debt adjusted laugh flow up 71% year-over-year
Top brass look to capitalize on unexpected comedy resurgence with hiring spree
CALGARY, Alberta – In a shocking turnaround that left analysts chuckling in disbelief, shares of 2P News (ToPee.TSX) skyrocketed over 200% today after the company reported a record-breaking third quarter, with laughs-per-share up by 145% and reader engagement reaching what they call “historic giggle heights.”
“This is the kind...
Movie Reviews
Recent News
OmniCore Energy’s BeamStream™ technology to revolutionize oil and gas upstream, midstream, retail, and emissions sectors
HOUSTON, TX — In an eagerly anticipated press conference this morning, Houston-based OmniTech Energy Services unveiled what it calls BeamSteam™, a technology straight out of Star Trek that promises...
Geologist Stirs Controversy with Revolutionary “Under-Superposition” Stratigraphy Theory
CALGARY, Alberta - In a stunning twist to the field of geology, Dr. Hamilton Flipova, the chief geoscientist at the lesser-known Rock Bottom Institute located in Edmonton, Alberta, has...
Top 12 Oil and Gas Rumours Abound for 2025
CALGARY, Alberta - As 2025 nears, Western Canada’s oil and gas sector is buzzing with wild rumours. From “eco-friendly fracking” using tofu-based lubricants to Alberta towns converting Timbits into...
Next Millenia Energy looking to wow investors with long-range development plans
CALGARY, Alberta - Saskatoon-based Next Millenia Energy Inc. (TSX: NME) has recently acquired surface rights in 87 townships in the WCSB, planning a very unique oil and gas play....
Alberta’s Project Dawn Discovery aims to help identify and reduce methane leaks
CALGARY, Alberta - Project Dawn Discovery, the unofficial nickname for a new Alberta energy and sustainability initiative created in conjunction with its energy regulatory arm, the Alberta Oil and...
Engineer comes “out of the cooler,” shocks friends and wider oil and gas community
CALGARY, Alberta – In a revelation that has rocked Alberta’s oil patch more than a 17,874,232,981,842.6 nanolitre pipeline spill, longtime senior reservoir engineer Lou Zarr bravely confessed this week...
Climate Change Shocker! Canada Shrinking!
CALGARY, Alberta – The surface area of Canada has long been reported to be 9,984,670 square kilometers. However, the Canadian Geodetic Survey (CGS) is warning that new data from...
Glenmore reservoir pollution study approved
CALGARY, Alberta - Calgary is a city that prides itself on cleanliness, beautiful green space, and environmental stewardship. This makes it hard to believe what has transpired over the...
Unemployed Petroleum Professionals Technical Conference coming to Calgary this summer!
CALGARY, Alberta - The Canadian Society of Unemployed Petroleum Professionals (CSUPP) is hosting its inaugural Technical Conference & Exhibition this summer. The society, whose membership has steadily grown by upwards of 1,247 per cent per year since early 2015, believes that this is an...
Cultural Learnings of Geology for the Glorious Profession of Engineering
Hello all,
In this light-hearted Friday piece, Sir William Shortspeare (who is both an engineer and a geologist), put down on virtual paper some thoughts that he calls: Cultural Learnings of Geology for the Glorious Profession of Engineering. The list is in rough alphabetical order....
Last Two Palynologists Die, Species Declared Extinct
TULSA, Oklahoma - Palynology, the study of contemporary and fossil palynomorphs, including pollen, spores, orbicules, dinocysts, acritarchs, chitinozoans and scolecodonts (whatever the hell all those things are) has always been the red-headed stepchild of paleontology in the oil and gas industry.
Now, the World Organization...
Ore Bodies Located with Bovinity Rays
EDMONTON, Alberta – A new methodology for locating subterranean ore bodies is taking Alberta mining districts by storm. Development of the method began with the observation that in certain circumstances a herd of cattle will align themselves in parallel formations. As the cattle move...
Long Island Medium star consults for Cheaterson Energy in Texas
DALLAS, Texas - Theresa Caputo, star of TLC's hit reality TV show Long Island Medium, recently signed a 12 month contract with Cheaterson Energy to consult, and assist with horizontal drilling programs in the Skull Shelf and Nickle Toss regions of southern Texas.
The reality...
Company cuts core along entire HZ leg of well to confirm in-zone drilling
FORT NELSON, British Columbia - Share price plummeted this week for junior oil and gas operator Short Run Energy, as news of an experimental and failed well reached investors and the media. The well, dubbed the "Solid Core Wildcat", was located in the WCSB...
How a public car insurance lawsuit by a Regina geologist is hitting home in Saskatchewan
SASKATOON, Saskatchewan - A Regina-based petroleum geologist has filed a lawsuit against Saskatchewan Government Insurance (SGI), citing an insurance claim to which they deemed no-fault. The problem for the provincial public insurer is that Randall Carlslane, P.Geo., has studied the accident scene, and clearly there...
Fairness and Equality at the forefront of new drilling program
CALGARY, Alberta - Twenty Twenty One. Fairness and equality are at the forefront of every media release and public engagement. It has become so intertwined with daily life, it's almost instinct. And following that trend, Calgary-based oil producer Sameness Exploration has begun its 2021...
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2P News Staff
Most Commented
Houston area man drills well in backyard, charges laid
HOUSTON, Texas - A Sugar Land, TX man and his neighbour are in police custody after the duo drilled an unauthorized gas well in the backyard of one of...
Geologist assaulted for teasing MWD staff
CALGARY, Alberta - A senior wellsite geologist has been hospitalized after a violent incident on a drilling rig in northern Alberta last night.
Ricky Rockerson was violently beaten to within...
Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons
CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the patterns required in CandyCrush and Tetris to oil and gas plays, has designed a new...
Crustal drilling project results in Volcano near Didsbury
RED DEER, Alberta - Central Alberta was thrust into chaos this morning when a deep test well may have instigated the first active volcano in Alberta's history. Deep Thrust...
Andy Killinger Kidnapped! Police Clueless!
CALGARY, Alberta – Andy Killinger, 2P News Staff Counselor, has been kidnapped by a group of what may be international terrorists. The kidnapping occurred on the steps of the Beau Tower in downtown Calgary in broad daylight. Witnesses report that Killinger was enticed into a van with promises of...
Notley Government: We don’t need pipelines, OIL FLOATS!
New petroleum transport mechanism will revolutionize the midstream industry.
Concept has special interest eco-terrorists group members quaking in their hemp-laced Birkenstocks.
EDMONTON, Alberta - Trans American Global Pipeline LLC...
Scientists invent a process to convert formation water into light oil
CALGARY, Alberta - In a remarkable scientific breakthrough, 2 scientists from the research labs at...
GeoPhone App used to record the seismology of love-making
CALGARY, Alberta - Junior geophysicist and sexual deviant, Dustin "boom boom" Weaver, has remarkably been...
Geologist finds a strong best fit through an amorphous cloud on poro-perm plot
CALGARY, Alberta - There is no question that geology is a subjective science that is...
No pipelines, no trains, just Ass
HARDISTY, Alberta - Pipelines leak. Got it. Trains derail. Got it. So what is the...
Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons
CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the...
HR department develops online survey to assess effectiveness of online surveys
CALGARY, Alberta - The Human Resources department of an intermediate oil and gas producer headquartered...
Former oil company executive relegated to greeter
CALGARY, Alberta -The ever growing price differential for bitumen continues to squeeze the netbacks for...
Reservoir engineer creates ‘Neg Pay’ map
HOUSTON, Texas (June 2012) - Johan Fabroni, an enigmatic junior reservoir engineer at Houston-based Drypool...
Aliens vs. Geophysicists – Vibratory Revenge: Movie Review
The Bottom Line
This geophyical, sci-fi revenge fantasy thriller fails to deliver on all fronts.
Director-Screenwriter
Francis Birch
Cast
Brad...
Anne Hydrite and Ray Tracing – A love story
Anne Hydrite first laid eyes on Ray Tracing at an oil and gas convention in...
Back in the Day
Engineers. Love ’em or hate ’em, you likely gotta deal with ’em.
Engineers. If you live in Calgary, there is a good chance you are an engineer, you are married to an engineer, you work with an engineer, you know an engineer, you’ve spotted an engineer, you’ve heard of an engineer, or you’ve thought about murdering an engineer in cold blood...
Engineer rearranges contents of dishwasher to optimize dirty dish density
CALGARY, Alberta - After seeing his visiting mother-in-law load the dishwasher following a rather large Sunday afternoon family dinner, Anton McKnight, a Petrophysical Engineer with a Calgary-based consulting firm, took it upon himself to rearrange the contents of the dishwasher right beneath his MIL's nose.
So get this, she had...
Redford considers new royalty of a flat 100%
EDMONTON, Alberta - Premier Alison Redford and her cabinet are considering changing Alberta's oil and gas royalty scheme once again. On this incarnation of the royalty structure, she proposes to simplify the mathematics by imposing a 100% royalty on all oil and gas volumes produced in the province of...
