EDMONTON, Alberta – As contract talks between the Alberta Teachers’ Association and the province hit the “we’ll-legislate-you-back” stage of negotiations, educators across the province are already preparing their battle plans.
If Premier Danielle Smith’s provincial government forces them back into classrooms, teachers say they’ll comply, but only in the most educationally passive-aggressive ways possible.
Here are the Top Ten Things Alberta Teachers Plan to Do Once They’re Legislated Back to Work.
10. The Return of the TV/VCR Cart
You thought they were gone. You were wrong. The ancient metal TV cart will once again roll proudly down the hallways, with its 300lb girth wobbling slightly with every bump. The VHS copy of Heritage Minutes: Volume 1 will be played on repeat – “I smell burnt toast!” – until someone snaps. When the tape ends, a student will be ordered to rewind it by hand. “That’s called hands-on learning, Jimmy,” the teacher will mutter while sipping coffee that was brewed in 2009.
Bonus: no one will remember how to change the input from “VCR” to “Video 2,” so static will count as “visual arts.”
9. The Great Silent Reading Era
Every period will become “silent reading.” This is an educational tradition where students stare at the same page for 42 minutes and teachers mark 500 essays titled “Why TikTok is Basically School.”
8. The Outdoor Learning Movement
Teachers plan to hold all classes outside “for mental wellness reasons.” In reality, it’ll just be long, meandering walks around the schoolyard while teachers rant quietly about pensions and mutter, “This counts as phys ed, right?”
7. Emotional Substitute Mode Activated
Teachers will technically be there, but mentally? They’ll be floating somewhere above the fluorescent lights. Lesson plans will consist of:
“Do something on page something. Don’t catch fire. Don’t talk to me unless you’re bleeding.”
6. Group Projects for Everyone!
Every subject will now be “peer-led learning.”
“You’re all in groups. Teach each other something. Doesn’t matter what.”
The result: chaos, confusion, and at least one group presenting a skit titled ‘Why We Should Abolish Homework.’
5. The PowerPoint Renaissance
Teachers are prepared to deliver every subject through one vintage PowerPoint deck titled “Learning Is Fun!” – last updated in 2006. It will feature Comic Sans, grainy animated clip art, and an intro sound that makes the students wince and the teacher whisper, “This is all I have left,” before a tear falls down his or her cheek
4. Morning Announcements: Teacher Edition
Morning announcements will now include a new “Teacher’s Feelings” segment.
“Good morning, students. I TRUST YOU ARE WELL. The cafeteria is serving chili, and Mr. GRISLOCK’S prep period was canceled again, so today’s mood is, LET’S SAY, ‘mildly unhinged.’”
3. Spin-the-Curriculum
Teachers will spin a “Curriculum Wheel” every morning to determine what’s being taught. The wheel includes options like Math, Social Studies, Nap Time, and Whatever’s on CBC. If it lands on “Nap Time,” no one complains.
2. Bring Your Parent to Teach Day (Every Day)
Teachers say they’ll invite parents who “know better” to come run the class.
“You seem to have a lot of thoughts on education policy, Susan. Why don’t you teach Grade 9 Algebra while I mark attendance and decide whether to drop kick you or get you in a figure-four leg lock?”
1. Passive-Aggressive Inspiration Boards
Teachers are already designing new hallway posters:
“Reach for the stars! (Because your salary sure won’t.)” and “Teamwork makes the dream work, unless the dream was funded by the province.”
One high school teacher from Red Deer told 2P News, “They can make us go back, but they can’t make us care more than 50%. That’s not defiance, that’s efficiency.”
Meanwhile, Education Minister Gyros Spanakopita praised the teachers’ “positive attitude,” saying,
Gyros Spanakopita, Alberta’s education minister
“I’m confident Alberta educators will return to their classrooms with the same dedication and enthusiasm they had before we crushed their morale.”
When asked how long they plan to keep the Heritage Minutes playing on loop, one teacher replied simply:
“Until the burnt toast smells like justice.”
Stay tuned to 2P News as we will cover developments on this story.
