Dear Andy,
The old lady kicked me out of the house a couple of months ago and I’m feeling a bit tense, if you know what I mean. I’d like to try a massage parlour but I have no idea how to go about it. Can you give me some advice?
Horn E., P.Eng.
Dear Horn E.,
First of all, picking such a stupid pseudonym amply demonstrates that you’re an engineer. However, the advice I am going to give applies to both engineers and geologists, although the two groups are usually mutually exclusive. So get ready to take notes with your PalmPilot 1000GX as you go searching for fun in all the wrong places.
1) Learn the language – A few minutes on the Internets should teach you that a tug is not a boat that moves things around in a harbour and a happy ending is not the conclusion of a Hallmark movie. Clear your browser history.
2) Take a shower – Your service provider will do a better job if she’s not holding her breath or trying to breathe only through her mouth. Lots of pausing to disinfect her hands and upper body is a time waster.
3) Pick an appropriate length of time – Massage parlours usually offer sessions of 30, 45, 60 or 90 minutes with a sliding scale of fees. If you’re as “tense” as you say anything more than 30 minutes is a waste of money.
4) Take off your clothes – Well, duh. Then lie face down on the massage table. Put your face in the oval hole at one end of the table. Covering your ass with a towel or sheet is usually optional but it’s mandatory if you’ve skipped No. 2.
5) Keep quiet – I once screamed “Banzai!” at a moment of passion in a Japanese parlour and got permanently banned. So, be discreet and don’t attract unwanted attention. Especially, don’t giggle like a little girl.
6) Put your clothes back on – Once your session has concluded and the provider has cleaned you up, be sure to get dressed. Walking out nude embarrasses everyone.
7) Negotiate – Tipping for extra services is expected with the amount depending on the service provided. Ask a landman what the usual rates are in your area and don’t let the provider overcharge you. Use cash, not a traceable credit card.
Finally, Einstein, if there’s a bunch of police cars parked out front, don’t go in. Follow these tips and you should come out singing “Oh what a relief it is!”
Andy Killinger, Staff Counselor 2P News
What’s the big idea of giving free publicity to my competition?
Well, well, well. If it isn’t Kate Forney. I’ve been expecting you. Don’t worry, there’s a big difference between the services you offer versus the services offered by the massage parlours – they don’t do it for free.
My dear Flowman, Ms. Forney is a good friend of mine and I won’t have you insulting her. She has made bearable the displacement of Lady Shortspeare and at reasonable rates.
Okay, okay, Sir William. I didn’t know that you guys were *that* close. I’ll leave it alone.