CALGARY, Alberta – Colin Robinson, Lazlo Cravensworth, Nadja and Nandor the Relentless, whose adventures are chronicled on the reality show What We Do in the Shadows on the FX Network, have decided to relocate from Staten Island, New York, to Calgary. The decision to move was made by Nandor, their leader, and was prompted by his learning that winter nights in Calgary are as long as 16 hours and has a population large enough to support their need for human prey. This is, of course, ignoring the fact that during the summer nights are as short as 8 hours. As is obvious from watching the show, logic has never been the vampires’ strong suit.
Colin Robinson, who is an energy vampire rather than a bloodsucker, was not as enthusiastic about the relocation. He said,
“I drain energy from people by boring them to death. Canadians are already so listless and boring that it will take three or four times as many of them to keep me healthy. What’s worse, Calgary is full of laid-off engineers and geologists who are easy pickings but extremely low in energy content. The landmen and geophysicists are a complete waste of time.”
Unlike the other vampires, Mr. Robinson is unaffected by sunlight and does not need to sleep in a coffin.
The other three vampires, who are traditional bloodsuckers, can be destroyed by direct sunlight, a wooden stake through the heart, holy water and silver. They sleep during the day in coffins or hanging from rafters like bats.
The bloodsuckers are aided by a human “familiar”, Guillermo de la Cruz. Mr. de la Cruz is saddled with the job of cleaning up spilled blood and disposing of dead bodies. He lamented, “I have calluses on my hands as thick as shoe leather from all the shoveling I have to do.” He has been promised that one day he will be made into an immortal vampire. He explained, “That is why I put up with all the crap I take from those idiots.”
Mr. Max Avarice, Chief Executive Officer of TexxonMogul has placed the three bloodsucking vampires on retainer. He explained, “The next time I downsize the work force, I’ll call in the vampires and TexxonMogul won’t be saddled with all those expensive severance packages and unemployment insurance payments.” At the same time, he is paying Colin Robinson a far more substantial retainer to stay the hell away from his professional staff. He commented, “Jesus, those morons are already mostly comatose.”
Meanwhile, Calgary Mayor Nenshi has requested that the vampires concentrate on the 5,375 homeless people in Calgary. He said, “This kills two birds (hahaha) with one stone. It keeps the vampires away from ordinary citizens and it removes a problem my administration has never been able to solve.”