Dear Andy,
“I’m a 27-year-old petroleum geologist and I want out. The oilfield has drained me dry—literally. Every well I’ve touched in the last 3 years has been dustier than a stripper’s G-string at a Taber cowboy bar. I’m tired of being paid in company scrip (a.k.a. “Tim Hortons gift cards”) and explaining to my family that my job is basically expensive Connect-the-Dots on bullshit contour maps. I just can’t do it anymore. Where can I go? I’m still young, but my only transferable skills are drinking hotel lobby beer and scribbling.”
Sincerely,
Lost in the Core Shack
Dear Lost:
First off, congratulations. Admitting you want out is step one. Step two is ignoring the recruiters on LinkedIn who will message you daily with “an exciting new opportunity” in Estevan that pays half your current wage and comes with unlimited access to lukewarm Pizza Hut buffet and some dusty Haystack brownies.
Here are some viable career paths for washed-up geologists like yourself:
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AI Prompt Writer for Geology Replacements. Companies are already replacing geos with AIs tablets powered exclusively by Monster Energy and menthol cigarettes. Somebody has to type in, “Find oil but don’t screw it up this time.” That could be you.
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Core Sample Sommelier. People pay big bucks to hear you swirl a tray of drill cuttings and say, “Ah yes, notes of pyrite, with a hint of regret and a strong finish of disappointment.”
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Pet Rock Therapist. Thanks to climate anxiety, stressed millennials are adopting rocks instead of cats. You can charge $200/hr to tell them their granite “is proud of them.”
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Professional Scapegoat. Let’s face it, you’ve been blamed for every dry hole anyway. Why not monetize it? Shell already has an opening for “VP of Oops.”
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Erotic Paleontology. The market is booming. People are desperate for sensual trilobite content. Don’t ask questions—just cash the cheques.
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Reality TV Star. TLC has green-lit “Extreme Dog House Makeover” where geos cry while redecorating trailers. Your tears could finally pay the mortgage.
And if all else fails, you can always post your resume to GeoCareers4Ever.biz (the one and only job board for ex-geos). Current listings include:
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“Frac Fluid Taste Tester” – must be able to tell guar gum from diesel with one sip.
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“Stampede Party Wrangler” – experience herding drunk engineers back into taxis required.
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“Senior Vice President of Looking Busy” – competitive salary in Subway gift cards.
So chin up. Even if you leave geology, the oilpatch never really lets you go. One day, when you least expect it, you’ll be at Costco buying salsa, and some random guy in steel-toes will yell, “Hey Rock Jock, do you think this parking lot has hydrocarbons? Yeah, you probably do. Fucko.”
Yours in broken dreams and bent core boxes,
Andy
Reader Comments
RigPig69: I left geology 10 years ago and now I run a vape shop in Red Deer. Every day is better than a dry hole. Except Thursdays. Those are still rough.
GeoChick420: Don’t listen to Andy. I switched careers into HR and now I get blamed for a different type of dry hole.
FracDaddy1977: Bro, don’t quit. Just fake a nervous breakdown during the next team meeting. You’ll get two years severance, minimum. Trust me.
Seis-Mick: Core Sample Sommelier? Too late, I already started that. Pairing Bakken shale cuttings with a 2015 Merlot and field trailer between-the-cushion Doritos is my specialty.
Anonymous: Erotic Paleontology is NOT a joke. DM me.
