CALGARY, Alberta – The Royal Canadian Mounted Police launched a raid yesterday on the office of Diplomas “Я” Us in downtown Calgary. It is alleged that the company supplies false documents to individuals who then commit fraud or misrepresent themselves to employers, particularly in the oil and gas industry. Box after box of blank diplomas and certificates were removed from the office and marked for evidence.
After a thorough investigation, it was found that over 60% of the “geologists” employed in Calgary hold bogus credentials. When shown the evidence, Mr. Dèng Xiǎopíng Dòngbīn, CEO of Bendovus Petroleum, commented, “We know that a lot of our geologists are morons and can barely read but this fraud explains many things, like their thinking that a reservoir rock is one fished out of Lake Louise. My HR people will suffer for not discovering this themselves earlier. I mean, did they really think that the Zurich Watchmaker’s Institute grants degrees in geology?”
Among other supposed degree-granting universities is the Newfoundland Institute for Paleocalligraphy. It’s well-known that there isn’t a single university anywhere in Newfoundland. Another is THC University in Vancouver, BC. There’s a possible connection to geology from all the stoners at THC but it’s very vaporous.
Sergeant Fred Scuttle of the RCMP headed the investigation. In an exclusive interview with 2P News, Sgt. Scuttle noted that this operation was such an obvious fraud that even the RCMP caught on. He said, “The prosecutors are delighted to have such a slam-dunk case. Usually, we screw up the case so badly that many crooks get off scot-free.”
One holder of an allegedly phony diploma, Carlos van Periwinkle, P. Geol., defended his purchase of a degree by saying that his maps are drawn with only the highest quality crayons. It would not be possible to obtain professional-level crayons with only a high school diploma.