93.4% of geologists are over qualified: International Study

CALGARY, Alberta – A study conducted by the International Oil and Gas Workforce Competence Agency (IOGWCA) has concluded that 93.4% of petroleum geologists are over qualified.

The study, that was released last Tuesday in the Journal of Interesting Studies, involved covert monitoring of the everyday working lives of geologists in Canada, the United States, China, the Middle East, and Europe, and the results were staggering. The study’s lead author, Dr. Judy Swallows, explains:

“We were shocked! Where do I start? By monitoring the geologists under the guise of internship students, we were able to see these geologists in action, and what we learned baffled us. These highly paid professionals showed very little in the way of analytical ability and they exercised absolutely no mathematical prowess of any sort.

We had no choice but to conclude the study by saying that a 4-year university degree is major overkill for the vast majority of geologists working in the oil and gas industry – their work could have easily been performed by creative children with a case of pencil crayons.” – Judy Swallows, Ph.D, lead researcher

In light of the study, the President and CEO of Rockless Resources, dutch-born Thijs Dyck, decided to make some changes on the geosciences side of his business. His new plan? To replace them with teenagers selected from Twitter.

“Dus vandaag, ik ben blij te kunnen aankondigen dat we een aantal acties ondernomen om onze kosten te stroomlijnen over de geologie kant van het bedrijf. Helaas voor de 8 geologen die gisteren bij ons waren, zijn niet bij het ​​bedrijf vandaag, ze waren te duur. We zijn van plan om ze te vervangen met tieners geselecteerd uit Twitter.

(So today, I am pleased to announce that we have taken some actions to streamline our costs on the geology side of the business. Unfortunately the 8 geologists who were with us yesterday, aren’t with the company today – they were too expensive. We plan to replace them with teenagers selected from Twitter. )” – Mr. Thijs Dyck, President

As of this press date, Rockless has liberated 23 cubicles from the strain of push pins and useless maps, letting go of 97% of its rock analysis staff.

Morley Commingslow had previously worked 17 of his 31-year career with Rockless, and was making quite a scene on 3rd Avenue when 2P News reporters arrived to investigate.

“Twitter!  What the heck in limestone fudge is a Twitter?  I’ve never even heard of that school!  Where is it?  Are they accredited?  So we get replaced by kids that went to some school I’ve never heard of with degrees in blocking?  Makes no sense to me!

And they said I couldn’t take my laptop with me either!  Where am I going to get the kind of money it takes to buy a fully loaded Windows ME machine!  Not going to happen at my age.”

According to the Calgary-based producer’s Vice President of Recruiting via Social Media, the company plans to hire 3 or 4 teenagers from the popular microblogging service. They will select the candidates based on the results from a sophisticated yet simple analysis of their everyday tweet patterns. The company will be looking for tweets with at least occasional oil and gas references, as well as a marginal hint of the creativity shown by so many existing geoscientists. Rockless Resources plans to have the team in place by April 21st, 2014.