EDMONTON, Alberta – Just in time for tax return season, the Alberta Treasury Board has unveiled a new tax credit that will benefit all Albertans who spend time in the presence of an engineer or engineers. This new credit, formally called the Technical Disability Tax Credit, will allow Albertans to significantly reduce their provincial income tax burden by reducing their taxable income.
The credit is applicable in almost every scenario when the applicant spends time with an engineer, in both social and working environments. The Province’s finance minister explains:
Well, after decades of having to put up with the technical nuances, idiosyncrasies, and the inherent annoyingness of the engineering population, we’ve decided to give non-engineers a break that they will feel right in the good ‘ol pocket book at tax return time. All I can say is that a credit like this is long, long overdue. – Doug Horndog, Minister
According to the Province’s updated tax webpage, the new tax credit will be structured as follows, and retroactively applied as far back as January 1st, 1889:
- Applicants will be required to wear a special device called an ENG-DAR. The device is designed to automatically accumulate a time-based credit when it senses an engineer within a 3′ radius – the more technical gibberish that it senses from the engineer, the quicker it accumulates tax credits. It also determines the number of engineers within that proximity and quantifies exactly how annoyed and frustrated the wearer becomes while the engineer is nearby. Additional stress sensors in the armpit regions provide this data.
- Come tax time, the applicant will have to fill out a new TD-420W form on which he or she will enter the accumulated time and yearly base salary. The system then uses a sophisticated set of formulas that calculate the credit that can be applied against the applicant’s taxable income.
- If an applicant spends an inordinate amount of time in the presence of engineers, he/she will not only pay zero provincial income tax, but any additional tax credits will be paid out in cash or cheque, in the name of Technical Disability Compensation and Emotional Bereavement. This TDCEB Fund was created by selling over-eager nuclear engineers to foreign governments.
- If the ENG-DAR device determines that the wearer is not in a work environment, but still in the presence of an engineer, it will accumulate compensation credits at a discounted rate.
- Engineers who are married to engineers are ineligible unless they can prove to a Tax Administrator the relationship is based on love and feelings, not love of math and formulas. In the case of true love, married engineers may claim a 5% flat rate tax credit, as ENG-DAR devices do not work properly when installed on an engineer.
- Non-engineers who are married to a family member of an engineer who is not a blood relative of said engineer, but must be within 30ft of said engineer more than 34% of the time, exempting holidays and long weekends, are ineligible.
- Non-engineers who have a roommate who is an engineer may be eligible, but a series of interviews with Tax Administrators will determine a value, since the applicant made a personal choice.
- Engineers with a split personality may not claim credits against him or herself.
“I spend so much of my week dealing with Engineers it absolutely drains me. Production, Development, Reservoir, Technical, Computer, IT, Pump, Completion, Musical, Desk management, Coffee Specialists, you name it, they have an engineer for it. At least now I can get compensated for a shorter life span. My refund this year should be close to $850,000. I’m buying my kids a pool.” – Chuck Griswald, Senior Geologist, Finite Resources
This move by Alberta has sparked much interest in similar schemes for the Saskatchewan and BC governments. Finance managers in both provinces like the idea so much that they are planning to amend their provincial tax structure to include similar credits. The Canada Revenue Agency is also seeking to implement a similar credit at the Federal level by 2016.
CRA is full of idiots who dream this stuff up. I’ll believe it when I see it!
The taxman needs to go after lawyers too. Those guys should be a tax liability as well.
I liek it! More money for me!
Like the CRA needs more they cant handle! HAHA
They cant figure out what they do now, let alone with this dumb idea.
I’m gonna be a rich sumbitch once I install one of those headgear things. Engineers are such morons!
I’m torn on this reply, whatever-your-name-is: on one side, I appreciate your reply to this article; on the other side, I think you’re an asshole for calling engineers “morons.”
This has got to be a joke…
lcufrt, this is indeed a joke, man. Could you imagine if it were true? The Alberta Government would be broke in 2 second flat!
Take a quick look around the site and you’ll see that there’s not much on here that is true, especially the stuff that I write as a staff editor.
– Over-n-out, Rodecker