CALGARY, Alberta – After the recent Liberal minority win in Canada, whose campaign was propped-up in part by Justin Trudeau’s fake push around combating climate change, 2P News has decided to jump on the climate change bandwagon in an effort to improve its popularity among millennial types.
To this end, we are welcoming to the team our first ever climate change activist, 11-year old Gretel Foonberger, who just migrated to Canada and is on a global mission to high-handedly solve global warming and reduce CO2 emissions along the way. Gretel sat down with 2P News co-founder Dr. Darcy Flowman this morning.
Darcy: We are so excited to have you join our team of news reporters, Gretel. Welcome aboard.
Gretel: YES! THANK YOU. IT IS NICE TO BE IN CANADA, WHERE THE WATER RUNS CLEAN, BUT IT WILL RUN DIRTY OR NO MORE WATER WILL FLOW IF WE DON’T DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT NOW!
Darcy: What… did you learn to whisper in a helicopter, Gretel? You don’t have to scream.
Gretel: I AM NOT SCREAMING. THIS IS JUST THE WAY I TALK. I’M SO USED TO TALKING THIS WAY BECAUSE OVER THE YEARS PEOPLE DON’T LISTEN TO ME BECAUSE I AM A CHILD, BUT WHEN I SPEAK WITH LOUD VOLUME, I THINK THAT THEY HEAR ME.
Darcy: So, tell me about your home country… and why move to Canada?
Gretel: I AM ORIGINALLY FROM DORWAY, BUT I GREW UP IN SWEETIN. AND IN SCANDINAVIA, THINGS ARE GOOD. I SOLVED GLOBAL WARMING AND CLIMATE CHANGE OVER THERE. BUT IN WESTERN CANADA, THERE IS A LOT OF OIL AND GAS MADE WHICH CREATES PLENTY OF GLOBAL WARMING, SO I THOUGHT THIS IS THE PLACE TO BE AND TO HELP THE WORLD THE MOST.
Darcy: Errr… I see, okay. Next. You have quite the track record of traveling the world to hold climate change rallies and get young people riled up about CO2, exactly how do you get around, seeing as you are anti fossil fuel?
Gretel: I TRAVEL EXCLUSIVELY BY WINDSURF AND SOLAR POWERED LONG BOARD. THOSE TWO GREEN VEHICLES ARE ALWAYS WITH ME.
Darcy: On a political front, do you align with any parties? Are you affiliated with any environmental group?
Gretel: I DO LIKE PRESIDENT TRUMP, BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND THAT HE IS RUH, RUH, RUNNING FOR OFFICE AGAIN. IT’S GOOD TO SEE HE IS RUNNING AND NOT USING HIS PLANES OR CARS. I DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH ANY ENVIRONMENTAL GROUPS, BY MY DOG IS NAMED HUDDY, AFTER MR. HUDEMA FROM GREENPEACE. MY DOG LIKES TO BITE GEOLOGISTS.
Darcy: Well, I think that’s about a wrap, Gretel. Again, welcome aboard. Your first assignment will be to figure out why satellite FLIR imagery shows a considerable hot spot in Premier Kenney’s back yard. Antoine and I figure its the emissions from his BBQ grill and smoker, but you go investigate and report back. Good luck to you! And, oh, one last question… what’s up with the gas mask?
Gretel: I HAVE CREATED A LITTLE ECOSYSTEM FOR MYSELF, AND IN HERE, CLIMATE DOES NOT CHANGE. SO EVEN IF PEOPLE DON’T LISTEN AND THE WORLD GOES DOWN ON FIRE INTO A DEATH SPIN TO HELL, AT LEAST I WILL BE OKAY.
So there you have it. You can look forward to content delivered by our newest team member as time goes on.