TORONTO, Ontario – A high school teacher was arrested this morning at Toronto’s Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator. CBSA officers at the Terminal 3 security post tipped local authorities of the man’s possessions and fidgety-type behaviour as he passed through the security checkpoint.
At a press conference, Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne, flanked by the head of CSIS and RCMP commissioner, said that she and law enforcement agencies at all levels have reason to believe that the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. She did not identify the man, who is facing numerous charges including carrying weapons of maths instruction.
“Al-Gebra is a serious problem for us here in Ontario – a sine of a big problem. This obtuse terrorist organization derives solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. CSIS was able to intercept and decode at least 2 code names “X” and “Y”, which they commonly refer to as “unknowns.” but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, ‘There are three sides to every triangle.’ YES, I SAID TRIANGLE!” – Premier Kathleen Wynne at the press conference.
When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau proudly remarked,
“I am a teacher. It’s how I define myself. I’m a pot smoking teacher who heads up a G8 nation. BOOM!! Now where was I? Oh, yeah… A good teacher, and this great country that we call Canada, has no room for Al-Gebra and its insidious inner-workings. I figure that my team and I will be able to balance the Federal budget in 8 months without Al-Gebra and its terrorist, misleading ways. Canada was built around a very simple premise: A promise that we, as proud Canadians, can work hard, succeed, and build a future for ourselves and our kids, and that a future for our kids would be better than the one that you had, all without Al-Gebra.”
He continued, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes, it’s really that simple.”
Fellow Liberal colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by any Prime Minister in Canada’s history. Ever.
Russell P. Mansipoom, 47, of Winnipeg, Manitoba has been charged with possession of weapons of maths destruction and will make his first court appearance on Tuesday, November 31st. He is on administrative leave from Cant Park High School pending the trial.